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Date: October 19, 2022
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NTA
I think it’s time for an ultimatum. Then follow through.
Let this be a lesson to you, that these things are never as simple as you can just be saviour to anyone you connect with that has problems in life.
I think like others have said, you've been well intentioned. And I'm really not trying to be mean here, I could even be totally off the mark. But it feels like you've got a bit of a mild saviour complex, now looking after two women with no jobs and terrible mental health issues and trauma. Did you have family members like this growing up? Are you mentally coping yourself with everything?
I'm only asking because I have a friend who's mum and sister were like this, where he is not. And he looked after them a lot growing up, despite mental bi-polar outbursts on the regular in his house making it sound beyond traumatic. But he learned it was normal.
He's never ever had a partner who wasn't like this. He basically finds people with bpd or bipolar disorder every single time he goes into a relationship. He feels like love for him, means he needs to look after someone who's got ups and downs now, and he thinks people with these mental illnesses and depression alongside, are the norm in most relationships because of his experience, and that women are just like this.
This story reminded me of him, and I wasn't sure if you're the same, or you just made a one off single error and in doing so, made two other people's lives worse. He would have taken this girl in, he's completely like this.
Next to this, your wife doesn't really seem like she knows how to say no tbh. If she was hesitant in the beginning, underneath she never actually wanted to support another adult in her home. But likely, especially with depression and probably self esteem issues, felt responsible because of you and 'being a food person' to have to say yes. To try and find out about it and connect to her, someone she never would have without you asking for it. I'd guess part of her was like 'maybe it will be ok' and she just let it happen. Her immediately instinctual reaction should have been what you based your judgement off here imo, knowing her mental health issues already, for a request this big. But it would've worked out better if your wife had the ability to recognise that and say no in the beginning also.
I bet she knows now, and part of the reason she feels so terrible and so responsible is because she didn't just say no to begin with, when deep down that's what she really wanted. But you were trying to be a good person, so she had to at least try to also, without realising the full consequences of that would mean and because she is so mentally unstable herself. Like I've had bouts of depression and I always feel like everything is my fault and I have to be responsible for everything. It's taken me a long time to learn that's not true and sometimes I have to come before just being a good person all the time, and just say no.
That's not your fault though, that she couldn't say no.
I think you really need to sit your wife down and tell her in no uncertain terms, that this is a tough situation but short lived now. You see it was the wrong one and you are absolutely going to move this girl out of the house, but you need a bit of time to try to arrange something safe for her, if you're wife is able to manage knowing she's definitely going. I think the pressure of feeling she's stuck with her is probably adding a lot to the triggering feelings, and this might ease them up a bit. And let her know you both tried, it didn't work out. That's OK. Not everything is her responsibility and she tried. It's totally OK that she wasn't compatible with the situation, it shows she had a big heart that she said yes to a situation the majority of people never would have. You asked a lot of her and she tried. That's all you both can do, and she needs to let personal responsibility stop breaking her down.
You then need to go and talk to this girl. Because if the only way she knows she's getting moved out, is your wife complaining loudly about her… she's going to be in a world of loss, pain, hurt and paranoia that silence from you isn't helping. She will just feel the level of unwantedness in the house and it will be running the worst possible thoughts through her head. She needs an adult to adult talk, (becauae she is one now, so she deserves the respect of being treated like one). Where you tell her you really wanted to help her but your wife's own mental health is deteriorating and she's not coping with the extra responsibility of having her in your home. You're not totally abandoning her, and you'd like to try to see if you can find somewhere safe for her to on-line where she doesn't have these issues. But right now, both hers and your wife's mental health are likely making one another's worse. She should not take this as a reflection on herself in anyway, it's not about that. And sometimes adults can't cope well or think well in this state so not to take anything your wife says personally. It's purely that you wanted to help and still do, and your wife wantd to also but wasn't compatible with the situation in the end. You can't let two people feel worse and more unsafe and do nothing. So you're trying to find something else that will work for her out.
If she wasn't safe in her home, I'd assume there must be some groups, organisations, something in your area that can help. There usually is for girls in these situation. Seek them out, Google everything and check all the organisations. Where I live!, my friend was abused at home and got his own flat, rent fully paid for at 15 from the government. You're not housing her anymore, but you basically took on a new child/ still dependent young adult. It's your responsibility now to get her in somewhere safe where she can start trying to get a job, education funding, anything really. Or if you really are that well off, help her get a job first and then give her some money to cover a deposit and some rent and help her get a flat or flat mate. Once she is set up, it's not your responsibility anymore to be there for her mental health. You can be kind and help, but the wife needs to come first. You've already done plenty at this point.
Call the police. Report him assaulting you.
toxic, breakup to make-up relationship
I mean I guess you're right but it's not really making up because if you make up then wouldn't you be on good terms? our relationship has been more on day to day eggshells. im just tipy toeing on them until one cracks. its gotten to the point where I have it mapped out. Sunday Monday we are okay Tuesday we get great. Wednesday to Friday we fight. Saturday into Sunday more we make into Sunday and repeat the cycle.
I also use he/they. Using he is just as correct as using they. You're 100% fine.
In my experience, people are pretty reluctant to use they/them. If you give them the option, people default to what they're used to, and while that's understandable, it can get a little tiresome sometimes, which is probably why T overreacted.
I would ask him if he prefers they, or wants you to alternate/pepper in some theys when referring to them. You didn't do anything wrong, but it never hurts to have a conversation about it. Confirm that you're on the same page and you'll be better equipped to handle situations like this.
Well you are in a relationship which doesn't cater to your needs… I'm not sure what your bf issue is and you need to decide how much you are willing to compromise.
My mom has been a stylist for 20+ plus (she actually just “retired” last year). It took her almost the same amount of time to pay back her student loans. She hardly ever made ends meet. Her tip money kept us afloat when my sibs and I were kids. It blows my mind how some people look down on stylists! I worked reception in a few salons growing up and it was crazy the amount disrespect and entitlement some people have. Chain salons pay minimum wage. I'm not sure if it's still this way, but my mom worked at a popular chain salon for many years. She was promoted to store manager, but did not receive a pay increase, only a bump on her product sales commission. She eventually rented a chair and worked for herself, which was slightly better. If it wasn't for my dad's social security, there's no way she ever would have been able to retire (she's still endlessly busy caring for my ailing grandparents pretty much alone, and she still has work part time. I wosh i could help more but we dont live in the same place). People should not look down upon and abuse their stylists! And ALWAYS tip! My mom loves doing hair, she's passionate about it. I'm glad she had a job she loved. But I often wonder if it was worth all the crap she had to go through to do it. I'm pretty sure she thinks it was.
Not gaslighting but not healthy.
yeah, maybe your partner is OK with being treated like your maid, maybe at other times he hands you something to be thrown away and there's a happy balance. Fact is that it bothers OP, and she's seen it as a pattern, and he's admitted that he does it to his employees. So he's treating her worse than his employees, because at least his employees get paid to handle his shit.
have a look a deadbedroom. you don't want to go there.
take the lead. don't let him finish.
Your feelings are valid but not your actions. You as a man should be emotionally enough to not just cold turkey your woman like that.
You must seriously think about your thoughts and position now. I would start by apologizing and explaining that you didn't mean to hurt her; you were just stunned. Hear her out and completely understand her position on this.
Does she really not want children or is it a matter of freedom/money? Sounds like she's mostly worried about losing her freedom to travel and enjoy life; which doesn't necessarily have to be true.
If she's just not into the idea of having children though then you have a big choice to make.
It's covid related.
But say I have 100 dollars and owe 50 at 0% interest over 3 years.
Sure I COULD pay down the debt. Have 50 bucks less and invest it at 2% apr and get a dollar a year.
Or I could invest the 100 in the same acct and accrue double the interest. Pay back the 50 after 3 years.
Either you make the interest or the bank will. It may as well be you.
It's free money.
this is the cutest romance prose I ever read ?
Only he didn’t cheat. He was r@ped.
message sent! 🙂
Three are so many others, but I didn't want to sound like I wasn't over it. I'm well past it.
That’s kinda common sense. That’s more of one of those things you’re told you can do. Why would you assume you can do that?
Never arguing because you are scared to say how you feel is not really the same as never arguing because you're both on the same page. You have to speak up about these things or they will just fester and eventually come out in nasty ways.