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Date: October 10, 2022
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So he lied about living with his ex, kept their videos on his phone while trying to keep you from knowing, allows his ex to disrespect you under their shared roof as well as continue to insult, accuse and degrade you when you leave to go home and hasn't set boundaries.
I understand why he lied to you in beginning. Most girls wouldn't date him knowing he lives with his jealous ex and he wouldn't want to break his lease for someone new but now you do know and he's chosen to gossip to you about how much she dislikes you instead of saying anything about it.
If you know he's a good guy and still want to work things out then I would first discuss why he kept those videos if he wanted to keep this a secret from you and then discuss why he chooses to gossip about her anger towards you rather than establishing boundaries. His inaction is hurting you and it isn't okay to let your ex abuse your new gf. Since it's a serious talk then I'd consider asking him to move in with you and giving it an honest go without his ex in your lives..but honestly these all look like red flags.
No, it’s not you. It happens to every single guy, at least once in his life. It could be literally anything. It’s likely just performance anxiety, especially since it was his first time since his divorce. That’s not an excuse he’s giving you, it’s genuinely true.
What’s important is that you don’t make a big deal of it. Just brush it off like everything’s normal, and get back to foreplay. The bigger of a deal you make out of it, the more likely it’s gonna happen.
I love my husband, the things that I liked about him and what I found endearing about us still held true. Me leaving was more about him being in a deep depression because of overworking himself and neglecting the relationship as well not showing me he values me, but the way he treats himself and in turn me has changed so much over the last 8 months putting me back in that position that I don’t know what is best for me.
And then you followed it up with “No, gender doesn’t matter. You sending thirst traps is the same as me doing it” Right? Riiiiight??? Because if you let the conversation die after she blew it off then that’s on you. You dropped the ball.
Why is her her jealousy valid but not yours? “Why do we have different boundaries?”
I could use some advice. Should I just move on? Is there some way to explain to her why this still hurts me so bad?
For her this was 5 years ago, and also not that big a deal because she was the one saying and doing everything inappropriate. For you this happened yesterday, and you were the victim of her inappropriate behavior. She doesn't get the handwave away your feelings on the subject and she doesn't get to tell you when it's been too long to get upset about it.
As far as moving on, I don't see a way to do that without her acknowledging what she did was wrong without trying to spread the blame around and make this a “you looked at my phone so we're equally bad” situation. First of all, she ASKED you to look at her phone. Secondly, to the extent her privacy was invaded it was by her husband and shared with no one. Meanwhile your privacy was violated by being mocked and insulted by her and a crowd of her friends, all of whom I'm sure you've interacted with at some point and now you know they had been having these conversations about you. It's hurtful, and your wife needs to acknowledge that and own up to her bad behavior. If she keeps doubling down on “it's over, forget about it” or “well you looked at my phone so we're even” then I honestly can't see you getting past this. There's no way for you to come to terms with it if she refuses to admit she did anything wrong.
Tbh even if you hadn't had a traumatic birth, your husband's attitude throughout the whole thing has been more than enough to reconsider having more children with someone who has chosen to barely be present so early on.
I can't foresee him changing and becoming someone who is going to be a present, caring father and husband.
Is there more context to this planned hang out with your girl?
I think its important to be flexible in relationships.
The way we function is: Our planned date nights, ie full package (dinner, activity, etc.)… we treat as priority.
But with generic hangouts, we're insanely flexible.
Things pop up.
And because we love each-other, we want the other person to spend time with their friends. We see each-other on a frequent basis and you may not see these friends for another 2 months. Would we want rob that of our partner? No.
In fact, my girl would be more upset if I didn't go with the friends option.
Now, I don't know the history of you two, if this is a routine. Because its important to always make your partner feel like #1 in all areas.
I personally would feel a bit annoyed if I had to battle for my girls time, but if I am dedicating myself to her always, I would expect her to be flexible in certain situations.
So, for now… I think we just apologize, make it up to her, and address this dynamic once this interaction is more calm.
Time.