Do not, under any circumstances, “surprise” someone with extra dominance in bed. Any kind of dominant/submissive dynamic has to be fully understood, negotiated, and consented to before sex begins. You will cause serious harm to her comfort and trust in you, and depending on how aggressive you become, could seriously traumatize her if you spring a dom-sub dynamic on her without talking to her first.
If you think this is something she wants, tell her you'd like to explore it and ask her for what she defines as “dominance” and what she does and doesn't want you to do.
If what you mean by “dominance” isn't kink play but actually more like “confidence” or “assertiveness,” then this is a less dire situation but you should still only act with respect to what she actually wants/likes and not take any guesses at what she'll find arousing.
Some women like being called names or choked. The idea of being called a name or especially being choked gives me a fucking panic attack. Everyone's different. You need to know what she wants before you introduce anything new to your sex life.
I don't know how Brazil is nowadays ( I am Brazilian, but live in US for a while), but in my 20s to send an invitation 1 month earlier was not guarantee of people coming. Asking three days before was also not a guarantee. The only thing that would guarantee people coming was to have an event that was convenient for everybody to show up or a big event like a wedding where people usually come. And of course only your really true friends would come in any situation, most people have so many things going on that sometimes it is difficult to choose what to do.
And there is also the Brazilian confrontational avoidance in which people don't want to say ” no I don't want to wake up early for your brunch on the weekend, because I am 20 and want to party the day before”, so most people will say ” yes” without the real meaning of say yes. And that is how it is.
So as I said in another comment. Don't feel bad, it is not you. And to be honest I would not cut everybody and start fresh. This is not how it works in Brazil and most people have so many established friendships that it is very difficult to find new ones the older you get.
“In a dark place” is such BS. Most of us have had periods of our life where things have gone to shit for a while and we're “in a dark place”, that is absolutely never an excuse for abusing people. Normal people don't get violent when they're having a hot time and no reformed character would ever try to excuse their behaviour either.
My abusive ex never explicitly admitted to abusing me but played the “good guy” to others by admitting he hadn't put as much effort into the relationship as he should have. He didn't mean it of course, this was to further abuse me after the separation by pairing that with things like how I'd taught him how to be a good partner to his new gf (affair partner) and essentially that she was good enough for him to change and I wasn't. Utter BS. Based on my son's comments, she is being taken advantage of and unappreciated even more than I was, only she has even more work to do than I did AND he's not worked for nearly 3 years.
OP your bf's comments are telling me that he's admitted what he was probably forced to admit but not actually taken responsibility for it and changed his behaviour. Abusers can hide their abuse for weeks, months or even years. Personally I wouldn't risk staying with someone who has a history of perpetrating DV.
Lol thank you for this! For context: I genuinely really do love this person and can see a future with him and found him to be attractive beforehand but I think some of the stares and laughs we’ve been getting when we go out (including family and friends ?) has been kinda getting to me lately
Your BF is exceedingly immature, and his expectations are totally unrealistic. Especially since you're living together.
I hope you will take a moment to stop and realize that one of the reasons people have partnerships and move in together is because they believe they have found someone they can truly be comfortable with and can be themselves. This guy is, literally, demanding that you NOT be comfortable with him or in your own home and make up some weird shit to role-playing or something.
Tell him to get real or get out. Seriously. Who wants to live that way?
You need to really think about this. Ultimately it is your decision one staying or ending the relationship. Based on your reaction I would think kids are something you definitely want and neither of you should compromise. They aren’t something you can decide you don’t want after the fact, if she truly doesn’t. Also, they are not something you can just let go of for the sake of someone else. You’ll both harbor resentment.
On some level you meant it, even if you believe it was just a reaction. It’s based on over the years she never said she didn’t want them, and you built an idea of what your life would be which included kids. You definitely need to own up to what you said and apologize, but you also need to have a full conversation on the topic.
At opposite ends of the spectrum – Terzo ($$$) has some of the best northern Italian cuisine I've ever eaten. Try their tasting menu and share. Try Matts ($) for one of the original Jucy Lucys but know they are cash only and don't burn your mouth on the cheese inside the burger. The Union – Rooftop ($$) has good food and a great roof if it's warm. Finally, I'd take a chance on the Wood and Paddle ($$). I've had great dinners under its former name and nothing has changed inside. I suspect the food is still great. Bon Appétit!
Info: what did you say/do that he vented about? Depending on what it was changes the fix.
Also you have only been together for a year and get into arguments regularly? It should be like a yearly event. If you are communicating respectfully and kindly and proactively fights shouldn’t be a regular event.
It’s clear he won’t be an involved father, so really, your choices are to get an abortion and stay with him, get an abortion and ditch him, or ditch him and be a single mother of two at 23.
Regardless, you also need to get on a better form of birth control than natural family planning and the pullout method. Both (highly ineffective) methods have clearly failed you more than once. Time to learn about the pill and condoms – he clearly doesn’t know as much about the reproductive system as he’s led you to believe.
Accidents happen. He is perfectly allowed to choose to not be involved with having a kid.
It’s not a threat. He’s being open about his preferences
Do not, under any circumstances, “surprise” someone with extra dominance in bed. Any kind of dominant/submissive dynamic has to be fully understood, negotiated, and consented to before sex begins. You will cause serious harm to her comfort and trust in you, and depending on how aggressive you become, could seriously traumatize her if you spring a dom-sub dynamic on her without talking to her first.
If you think this is something she wants, tell her you'd like to explore it and ask her for what she defines as “dominance” and what she does and doesn't want you to do.
If what you mean by “dominance” isn't kink play but actually more like “confidence” or “assertiveness,” then this is a less dire situation but you should still only act with respect to what she actually wants/likes and not take any guesses at what she'll find arousing.
Some women like being called names or choked. The idea of being called a name or especially being choked gives me a fucking panic attack. Everyone's different. You need to know what she wants before you introduce anything new to your sex life.
I don't know how Brazil is nowadays ( I am Brazilian, but live in US for a while), but in my 20s to send an invitation 1 month earlier was not guarantee of people coming. Asking three days before was also not a guarantee. The only thing that would guarantee people coming was to have an event that was convenient for everybody to show up or a big event like a wedding where people usually come. And of course only your really true friends would come in any situation, most people have so many things going on that sometimes it is difficult to choose what to do.
And there is also the Brazilian confrontational avoidance in which people don't want to say ” no I don't want to wake up early for your brunch on the weekend, because I am 20 and want to party the day before”, so most people will say ” yes” without the real meaning of say yes. And that is how it is.
So as I said in another comment. Don't feel bad, it is not you. And to be honest I would not cut everybody and start fresh. This is not how it works in Brazil and most people have so many established friendships that it is very difficult to find new ones the older you get.
“In a dark place” is such BS. Most of us have had periods of our life where things have gone to shit for a while and we're “in a dark place”, that is absolutely never an excuse for abusing people. Normal people don't get violent when they're having a hot time and no reformed character would ever try to excuse their behaviour either.
My abusive ex never explicitly admitted to abusing me but played the “good guy” to others by admitting he hadn't put as much effort into the relationship as he should have. He didn't mean it of course, this was to further abuse me after the separation by pairing that with things like how I'd taught him how to be a good partner to his new gf (affair partner) and essentially that she was good enough for him to change and I wasn't. Utter BS. Based on my son's comments, she is being taken advantage of and unappreciated even more than I was, only she has even more work to do than I did AND he's not worked for nearly 3 years.
OP your bf's comments are telling me that he's admitted what he was probably forced to admit but not actually taken responsibility for it and changed his behaviour. Abusers can hide their abuse for weeks, months or even years. Personally I wouldn't risk staying with someone who has a history of perpetrating DV.
Lol thank you for this! For context: I genuinely really do love this person and can see a future with him and found him to be attractive beforehand but I think some of the stares and laughs we’ve been getting when we go out (including family and friends ?) has been kinda getting to me lately
Your BF is exceedingly immature, and his expectations are totally unrealistic. Especially since you're living together.
I hope you will take a moment to stop and realize that one of the reasons people have partnerships and move in together is because they believe they have found someone they can truly be comfortable with and can be themselves. This guy is, literally, demanding that you NOT be comfortable with him or in your own home and make up some weird shit to role-playing or something.
Tell him to get real or get out. Seriously. Who wants to live that way?
How long have you been together, and how old is your daughter?
Mate, youve literally described a family of brutes.
“Dont kill him Johnny, just break his arm while I hold the other 2”
Math skills? This dude fked up bad. I mean so bad that his mother has to handle his finances.
You need to really think about this. Ultimately it is your decision one staying or ending the relationship. Based on your reaction I would think kids are something you definitely want and neither of you should compromise. They aren’t something you can decide you don’t want after the fact, if she truly doesn’t. Also, they are not something you can just let go of for the sake of someone else. You’ll both harbor resentment.
On some level you meant it, even if you believe it was just a reaction. It’s based on over the years she never said she didn’t want them, and you built an idea of what your life would be which included kids. You definitely need to own up to what you said and apologize, but you also need to have a full conversation on the topic.
At opposite ends of the spectrum – Terzo ($$$) has some of the best northern Italian cuisine I've ever eaten. Try their tasting menu and share. Try Matts ($) for one of the original Jucy Lucys but know they are cash only and don't burn your mouth on the cheese inside the burger. The Union – Rooftop ($$) has good food and a great roof if it's warm. Finally, I'd take a chance on the Wood and Paddle ($$). I've had great dinners under its former name and nothing has changed inside. I suspect the food is still great. Bon Appétit!
This needs to be higher. It's unbelievable to me the amount of people in these comments that are advocating for her to be a single mom.
There's literal factual evidence that proves why it's so important for two parents to raise the child.
The baby has no choice in this nonsense.
Ugh I'm sick to my stomach. Thank you for the encouragement though, it's appreciated and very useful!
Info: what did you say/do that he vented about? Depending on what it was changes the fix.
Also you have only been together for a year and get into arguments regularly? It should be like a yearly event. If you are communicating respectfully and kindly and proactively fights shouldn’t be a regular event.
It’s clear he won’t be an involved father, so really, your choices are to get an abortion and stay with him, get an abortion and ditch him, or ditch him and be a single mother of two at 23.
Regardless, you also need to get on a better form of birth control than natural family planning and the pullout method. Both (highly ineffective) methods have clearly failed you more than once. Time to learn about the pill and condoms – he clearly doesn’t know as much about the reproductive system as he’s led you to believe.