Original post here= https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11zlwte/didnt_know_my_18f_boyfriend_19m_was_trans_how_to/
Hello everyone, I wanted to start off by saying that I got quite a few messages asking how i was, how I was coping and if everything was ok etc; and they were all so lovely thank you! It was super nice to talk to a bunch of you guys and discuss my emotions with you all.
When I first uploaded, I will say however I was initially surprised by the amount of people who were telling me to break up/saying i was misled etc, and to a certain degree I understand and think those people are correct. I’ll be honest the fact that I was lied to for so long didn’t even cross my mind as being a hurtful or mean thing. My immediate reaction was to empathise with him, and his situation and I think I had a hard time doing that while recognising, simultaneously, that it was okay for me to be hurt by his actions and decisions.
I think to a certain degree I underestimated the emotional impact it would have on myself as an individual. I think I don't really know how to come to terms with the fact that I was lied to for so long as this is my first relationship and sexual encounter ever and I'm having a hard time attempting for figure out what I want for myself. Although I do believe that his fear to come out was justified and his identity as a trans man should be protected, I don’t really want to use it to excuse/negate the fact that I may be feeling hurt or feel betrayed, especially as it was my first time. I think it may take a while to build up the trust/respect I initially had.
To the people in the comments saying that lying about something this big, lying in omission or the fact that the foundation of our relationship had lies within it, i think you’re justified. I would prefer to not push it to the side and think that all is well and good now because I’m still feeling hurt and slightly manipulated, especially as it could mean that there are lies in other areas of our relationship. But to the others in my comment section saying that him coming out is a big deal and the fact that he may have been scared to do so as a trans individual, I think you are justified also. With some of the rights of the lgbtq+ a bit up in the air at the moment in italy, i think his fear to come out was justified and I really empathise with him in this aspect. I’ve never had to come out/expose myself like that to anyone before and even if I did my family members/parents are very liberal in this aspect, so I couldn’t even wrap my head around any of the fears he must have had regarding this.
I talked to my bf and for now we have agreed that bottom surgery isn’t likely to happen. We scrolled a bit through subreddits and a few of the comments and agreed that it is likely that it may be too dangerous health wise. However, thank you for everything. a lot of people who replied who may not have known – but you all gave me quite a lot more confidence to be clearer to my bf on what exactly I wanted sex-wise and put-up clear boundaries of what I was and was not comfortable with.
As i said in the previous post we tried having f4f sex but i got uncomfortable. i told him that it will not be likely that we will do this again (f4f sex) – I was quite happy i stood up for myself/was able to create boundaries. This is also both of our first relationships and we are both virgins – so please understand that I'm pretty sure my bf was likely to be scared to come out.
thank you for people trying to give me perspective and saying that im still young and trying to figure stuff out. I am, but so is my boyfriend. I don’t think what he did was malicious (this was his first time also), but I do wish he came to me sooner, as I have been wondering if there was something i must’ve done to distrust me/not want to inform me about being trans. I'm a strong ally of the lgbtq+ community and even though i am cis and straight my heart does go out to all the trans people and children who are struggling with their identities and their place in the world – please remember that someone will love and accept you for who you are and do the best to protect yourselves !!
for our relationship moving forward – we have decided to take a bit of a break (?); basically get some space, explore our options and not be so tied down by trying to force something, whilst also experimenting on the side! I guess kind of like fwb?? idk haha lol. I think the important thing is to be patient and to not attempt something that may actually scar us in the long run.
We have decided to try strap-ons and had some fun googling a bunch haha. we will probably go up to Milan during the week and just look around any adult shops as the lgbtq scene is a bit more prominent than in our province.
However, if the relationship doesn’t work out then I think I'll be happy that I at least gave it a go + I stayed true to my values and morals as this is likely to be someone I admire and love regardless of if we’re able to rebuild the relationship. Neither of us our trying to pressure ourselves into the relationship and if I find someone, I believe I suit better and have better sexual chemistry with I will bring it forth.
I saw a few comments about sexual trauma on his part which could be the reason for his omission. This is a sensitive topic and is something I tried to bring up lightly to him if any bad sexual experiences has led him to be this way with me, he answered no; and from what I know we are both virgins and this our first sexual experience, so there hasn’t been anyone else significant in our lives.
Also, for children… I’ve never really wanted kids just for a bunch of personal reasons and my insane fear of childbirth haha. So, I doubt I’d want kids regardless of if my boyfriend was transgender or not.
Anyways thank you guys for reading and if you have any questions please message/chat me or we can discuss in the thread and ill try to get back to everyone!
TL;DR = we are taking a break and continuing slow
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