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Date: December 26, 2022
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Bruh, you aren’t a Plan B, or even a Plan A, you should be the only plan. Drop that app
Sounds less like triggers and more like an excuse for her to be a controlling AH to you. Her elbowing OP and yelling and cussing at him I front of her family feels like a power move, not someone trying to get over their triggers.
Talk about dodging a bullet. Also as many have said, doesn't seem like a trigger, or anxiety. That woman has issues she needs to deal with, yikes.
So the first thing I want to ask you about is this –
I struggle with comphet.
meaning compulsory heterosexuality right? I think just because you feel that way though doesn't have to mean that you might not be sexually attracted to men. Meaning someone can even be heterosexual and still struggle with the pressure that feel from others to conform to what those people want them to be.
I am curious why you feel something is wrong with liking someone because they like you first? Lost of people no matter what their sexual preference have that happen. That's pretty typical actually.
Personally I think you should do yourself a favor and stop trying to overthink or analyze this stuff. Everyone is different. Don't try to force yourself into one camp or the other as far as your sexuality goes. Better off to try to find someone who fits with you. If it is this guy so be it.
Now the one caveat I would attach to this is that you need to make sure that you are physically attracted to him. The reason for that is because most people reasonably want there to be a physical aspect to their relationship and again for most people that requires physical attraction. So if you don't feel that then it's really unfair to him but also both of you in the long run to sacrifice that. It will only cause problems.
That being said, for some physical attraction can grow with emotional attachment, if there is a least some of that.
Again I would warn you about trying to online your life to fit into anyone's expectations be it heterosexual or alternative.
To be blunt, you may have reason to feel this way but you need to be careful that your not so strongly reject compulsory heterosexuality that you don't require of yourself compulsory homosexuality?
The problem isn't the sexual preference it's the compulsory part of the situation.
Yes, but he's not here asking for advice, and she is completely responsible for her own choices going forward wrt dating single parents.
In general, Men value purity and don't want a woman with a high body count.
Lay out your priorities and expectations in a partner and ask where he stands. If he keeps waffling, then that's the end.
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Wow there is not going to be a “next year” for you and your gf if you are actually this dense. You bought very nice jewelry for three other women (presumably for Xmas) and you did not get anything that nice for your gf.
I can definitely say no, I just would rather not give him an ultimatum like that. Like I mentioned elsewhere, we need both incomes to do any move so it isn’t like he can just pay for it all and say “this is what we’re doing.” I do feel like my mind is made up, I was just so blindsided by his sudden insistence that moving there is the right thing to do because we completely agreed before I got pregnant that we wanted to be at the farm and that it was a better place to start our family.
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I couldn’t get past “I have an alcoholic boyfriend.” Girl, why are you doing this to yourself? You’re 41, it’s time to leave.
While you're on your trial separation, get a lawyer and have everything in order
If you’re at the point where you have to play mind games like this because basic open communication won’t work, just leave his lame ass.
It’s already over. He’s not confused. He’s not ignorant. He does not care about your pleasure. He doesn’t care. You can’t trick him into caring.
He lied to make you feel better and to avoid a fight.
Has never impacted our martial life…
I love the typo because of the word “impacted.” LOL
I'm always encouraged to see other couples also sleep separately with no issues.
It's very hot to give any advice other than to play it by ear. It's tempting I'm sure to try to overthink this and try to figure out what her behavior all means, but it's probably best to just do what you feel, and to take your lumps if that's how it goes. If you can't be true to yourself with her, it's bound to be wrong in the long run.
I'm not buying it. I call fake
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Yes, it's assault if you overtly pressure her, but the brain finds ways to please the heart. If you don't have the same values, and you're not willing to fully commit to her wishes, you will find yourself dreaming up ways of subtly coercing her into more and more risqué things until you've crossed a line you can't return from. It's how we are.
Talk to her. Find out how long she expects dating to last. Can you work with that time-frame?
Also, don't make this the central point to your relationship. Get to know her without thinking of how badly you want to see her very hot.
Your daughters marriage won’t last more than 3 years. She’s too young and she’s getting married out of spite
When he sleeps with all these women he is putting your mom in potential health risks, chlamydia, etc.
Another thing, can you now stomach to look at your father like he didnt do ANYTHING WRONG to his family?. Can you really sleep at night thinking ohh..he is not home now because he is fucking other women while you mom is waiting for him at home. You are a woman, your mom is a woman, imagine if this is your husband.
You sound like OP
You’ve listed my main go to things but what about learning something new—cooking, or something where you have to work harder to do it than your usual hobbies?
Dude, if no one has clued you in before now – that shit was straight up creepy.
I have the other side of this. My parents divorced when I was 11. I was the oldest of 4. My dad got custody. About a yr later he started dating someone else. She was fucking nuts. I could not stand her. They ended up having 2 kids together. She never liked any conversations he had with my mother. Even though the only time they talked was to schedule pick ups with my mother (it was a pretty divorce so they never talked outside of pick ups).
To go even further, I spent a lot of time at my best friends house. Literally sometimes a week at a time. While she was pregnant with their second kid, she stole my dads phone and ran down the street at 2 in the morning and called my best friends mom to accuse her of cheating with my dad. Of course my friends mom had already heard all about her from me so she knew she was batshit. And my bffs mom being who she is called her bat shot crazy and hung up on her and preceded to call the next day to pick me up with her there lmfao.
My point is, my dad allowing this crazy ass woman to tell him not to talk to my mom or my bffs mom caused a lot of issues between us. We missed out on visiting our mom for a couple months before I started coordinating with my mother for pickups myself. It damaged our relationship. After I turned 18 I cut contact with him for about 2 yrs. And in that time he found out she was cheating on him. She moved away with their boys and he hasn’t seen them in 6yrs. We ended up mending our relationship. But it was ruined for a long time because he allowed a woman to come between his children and their mother. No matter how old the kids get, communication between their parents will always be important.
The fact you guys have a house together and been together for years, but he’s only now bringing this up is concerning. Why has he never brought this up? Don’t you have assets together already that depend on both of you? Is the house deed in both your names? Do you both pay for the mortgage?
It is a legitimate fear especially because you admit you don’t save, but if he’s so good at finances and you’re partners, why have you guys not talked about this before and planned a better budget for you? His fear can even be helped with a prenup, but his lack of communication about something so important until now is concerning, because it implies he wasn’t considering a marriage in your guys future even after all those years.
Yeah probably , sounds like best option is to reject, whole premise sounds suss
is anyone else playing the age gap drinking game. it's pretty early where I am~ might be too early to start drinking. maybe we could turn it into a pot smoking game.
Time to slip the guy running the Ferris Wheel a $20 the next time the carnival is in town.
He never respects any boundaries you try and set. He just does what he wants. And you let him because that's the pattern in your relationship.
Currently, he's admitting to his wrongs. Because he thinks you'll take him back. He'll do and say anything to achieve that goal.
From my own experience with someone like him, if you hold firm and break up with him he'll stalk you.
Honestly at this day and age just be straight. You and her in a relationship and wanna spend time together ALONE. At 18/19 people should understand that. I personally can’t think of an excuse just cause it at the end it seems pointless to make up an excuse when people will already know that whatever excuse you say is not gonna happen (from my own experience).
Plan dates in for just you and her and if people ask just be honest. Its not that deep. Me and my partner always have been honest about your plans with others. He will say he has plans with me or is spending time with me to his friends since we moved in together and I moved to his area.
Also don't get obsessed about getting exactly 50/50. Close enough is good enough. Don't forget outdoor jobs and car maintenance etc….
Your other comment where you said he was otherwise respectful, then him saying that is a tell tale sign of a toxic coping mechanism common for abusers. If he was awkward or socially clueless then it’s more poor social skills, clumsy negging, or low emotional intelligence. But since he was nice and respectful, he knows how to behave. And so when he says shit like that, hes sneaking in one or two really awful things as a way to vent his negative feelings. If you let it slide, hell slowly up the insults as it helps him feel better, until you’re his emotional punching bag.
Give her three weeks to find a job..
Talk to a lawyer about full custody of daughter .
If she refuses to look for work .
You do a eviction through lawyer and court She has family and friends There are shelters The ine she cheated with.
I mean I hate to even help here, this is such an awful situation that you’ve made, I can’t honestly hope that you get back together.
I CAN honestly hope that you’ll find something valuable about yourself, grow up, and get your shit together, and I can honestly hope that you’re going to find yourself ready. And I can honestly hope that you make the changes needed for you to have a healthy relationship.
So I’ll offer my take.
You don’t have to tell him every si gel thing in your head.
I don’t mean lie. And I don’t mean hide your desire to get back together.
But why not just…let it happen organically? Instead of trying to turn everything around in one conversation, how about demonstrating to him how much more mature you’ve become, and how much you realize your parents ran your life.
And some time later, after being a tangibly responsible person, with humility and empathy that you did not have back then, be the woman who deserves him. For real.
And ask him out. You’re going to have to take some chances. It might take a few years, but hey, a journey of a thousand steps, and all that.
Russians buy them for propaganda accounts which reddit has thousands of.
It would be tragic if you both denied yourselves the intimacy and enjoyment of sex out of shame when you each still find the other attractive.
I do understand this quandary because it exists in my relationship too. We are both working on our own health and our own self esteem. But sometimes it just doesn't work. So we find comfort in each other's arms. I may hate what I see in the mirror, but I know he wants me and loves me and he is always willing to remind me of that.
Maybe think of it more as something you do to remind your partner how attractive they are to you. Since you both feel the same way about each other, are trying to work through this as a team, I think you could do this without it taking on an unhealthy dynamic.
It's really good to be working on physical health. I'm sure others will have plenty of advice for that. But you both deserve love and physical affection in the bodies that carry you right now. And you are both safe with each other. Don't let shame put a wedge between you.
“You’re the one who got away, do you ever think we could work out?, she looks just like you”. Plus sending her pics of you. How do you really know that’s all that was said & done?
This man is still in love w his ex. He may be with you but now you know he really wants to be w her and if given the chance he’ll take it.
You can’t be w one person and feel that way about the one who got away and ask if they could ever work. Those words will pop in your head more than you realize and w o realizing it you’ll bring them up in arguments and begin to resent him knowing he still tried to get back w his ex before he asked you to marry him. As in a last ditch effort to get the woman he wanted.
Sorry but you can’t come back from that in my opinion
Honestly don’t share water bottles or drink containers. This is how we can get sick. Just have your own. It was very mean of her to trick, lie and betray your trust – it shows doesn’t care about you or your health. Get tested and rethink your relationship!
When people are done in relationships so people don’t want to hurt you and break up with you, so they just treat you like shit- so you break up with them. This sounds like that situation
Some men truly don’t care if their female partner is with another woman like they would if it’s a man. I personally feel like that’s pretty messed up a but it’s a common phenomenon regardless. His neutrality about it may never fade and could be a pretty accurate reading on how he feels.
In the time it took to type this you could have just asked him. Be up front.
Do what you think best but don't funnel the anger of Reddit into your life. The most miserable people on Earth are here you don't want to join them.
Why would you be with someone that disrespects you?
I wasn't hinting at that. I was more thinking that potential girlfriends will see your friendship with her as a problem.
he’s right at the perfect age, where a young man happen to have schizophrenic episodes present themselves.
it sounds like he’s losing his mind, and lashing out in a paranoid frenzy.
this happened to my brother-in-law. He’s now 100% disabled, he accuses people of lying and plotting against him constantly.
How is that normal ?✋
Why wouldn’t they told me, why hiding it if it was the case. I really starting to lose my mind this doesn’t make any sense.
Not telling anyone only protects the sexual harasser.
People are also allowed to be worried for their friends. It seems weird to me you'd call that judgment as if this isn't a basic thing to be concerned about.
It’s weird that you somehow think you’re a good friend to her while shaming her for her sexuality.
Block him. You did the right thing OP.
Leave it! This isn’t the time to hash things out with Bob. I personally wouldn’t have done that at all, sometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lay. Id just be happy bob isn’t coming now. And honestly for you to have the audacity to send that to him, and not realizing the effects it would have is very hot to believe you didn’t know what you were doing there. Really selfish if you ask me lol. This is their wedding and not about you and bob.
There’s a difference between drama and boundaries. You don’t start fights at other people’s weddings, but you’re also under no obligation to take abuse just to keep the peace. No amount of therapy would make that a thing. It’s about healing, not conforming. Setting boundaries like this is very much a goal of therapy. People often misunderstand this. If you’re a doormat in a relationship and you go to therapy, it helps you learn how to stop being a doormat, not to be happy about it.
Leave her
Seriously, there are SO many ways this goes wrong! The extra money you’re ‘throwing away’ on rent is nothing compared to the costs if this relationship goes south. (And introducing a giant new expense that constantly needs your attention in hundreds of ways about which you can disagree could be the very reason it ends up failing… not that I can’t think of a dozen other scenarios off the top of my head that would make just paying rent again seem like a dream).
If you’re 100% sure you want to online together in this house for the next 30 years then get married!
Ugh I’m getting so many notifications of new comments but not seeing them anywhere ?
Yeah, why I said I couldn’t speak to his feelings. This is definitely a nuanced situation and I hope OP ultimately is just happy in her relationship.
I mean I can think of some non sexual things that I wouldn't do in front of other people
This has just bought me to tears. Ill remember this always. Thank you so much. You sound like such a strong and brave person, the kind i am striving to be. Thank you endlessly x
Another win for communication. Good stuff ?
”If she refuse walk away”
Grammar helps
It’s always sad when the most vocal parts of a minority are also it’s most obnoxious
Right? Stop saying things are mental illness or autistic or something that explains away the fact that some people are just assholes
OP, DO NOT FOCUS ON GORE PLAY.
jokes aside, yeah this is what i thought as well. use lube more often first and do some extra foreplay if you weren't doing already.
Restraining order. Therapy for both of you. Block delete stop all contact. Press charges if you can.
Thanks, that’s good advice. I guess I’m just confused because of the 180. Why would he go MIA for two weeks if he’s similarly into me, you know?
So.. don't give him oral. If he has an issue with that, ask him why he thinks he's entitled to oral if he's not willing to reciprocate.
Ultimately, though? He's not sexually compatible with you. Life is too short to not feel satisfied.
You were friends first so I’d say the timeline is totally different than if you met on an app because there’s already trust. If you feel comfortable with it then enjoy.
Very Wow. Much Trashy. Yeah get the fuck away from that abusive noise.
It's almost comical how ridiculous and thinly veiled his excuse is. He was just waiting for the moment he could cheat and claim he didn't or that it wasn't his fault. And you know it. So get out of this garbage relationship and stop wasting your time.
Is there a mutual agreement that this is a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because it sounds like you’re a booty call…
Graduate, pack your stuff, move, block her number and never look back. If you think she might do harm to you or harass you, get a restraining order.
She seems like she would ruin your life if you let this go on any longer. You guys have barely been together a little over a year this is not healthy at all you need to cut her off no matter what.
Not at all! I would be so honored to be honest ? you are a very good friend and they are lucky to have you! ? you are so welcome! ?
Here’s the thing…
Friends with exes is tricky to navigate… and in my experience only work when the exes are purely and clearly over each other romantically.
I get they were friends first, and I’m happy they both were able to learn and make peace with their past. But the minute she confessed she still had feelings for him, the situation changed. She’s no longer a platonic friend. She’s crushing on him. She wants him back. And he needs to acknowledge that, and that there’s a level of disrespect to you when he sets that aside.
He does need to set a boundary. He needs to tell her, unequivocally that he’s with you now. That’s not going to change. And she needs to collect herself and move forward. I get he doesn’t want to feel the guilt of leaving a friend high and dry. But she’s already made a point to take this in an inappropriate direction. He needs to step up here.