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✦ AYLA ✦ MARK ✦, 18 y.o.
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Date: December 16, 2022
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You know I think there’s a right way and wrong way. If my boyfriend back then had said look I have this high sex drive, desire you, and for me to feel satisfied and connected to you sex a couple times a week is just not working out for me maybe we could have talked it out amicably. Instead he acted resentful and deprived and that totally put me off. You’re not like that. I can tell. Just be honest about how you feel.
Did she 'cop an attitude' when she refused to drink from the straw or did she just refuse because she now didn't consider it to be 100% vegetarian?
If she got angry at you for drinking from the juice box, I can see why you reacted the way you did, but if she wasn't bent out of shape about the situation and just refused on the grounds that it was no longer strictly vegetarian then it was an overreaction on your part to get greatly annoyed. She was repelled by the 'now adulterated' juice, not by you but you seem to take it personally. Why on earth would you try so hard to make her drink something that she found revolting? How would you like someone trying to get you to eat or drink something that you found disgusting?
Sigh. It would have been so much better if she said 'Hey! Now I can't drink from that.' and you said, 'Sorry. It never occurred to me that you would be bothered by this. It won't happen again.'
It would be one thing if this was an out of the blue experience, but 'It's just on this matter we can't ever reach an agreeable conclusion about' is a definite red flag.
It sounds like this is an issue of respect and consideration for one another. You may have a right to be upset if you feel like your boyfriend doesn't value or respect your feelings, but at the end of the day it's up to you whether or not you want to stay in this relationship. Communication is key when it comes to relationships, so make sure that both of you are having meaningful conversations about what type of behavior and communication style works best for your relationship.
Stealthing is a crime in some states..should be all.
It’s more so I think the act of receiving a phone call, a text message or using those platforms. It’s hard to explain. But that’s literally what mental illness are I suppose; thoughts and emotions that are based on irrational fears and stuff. It’s a bit hot to unpack without giving a full background of his mental health history.
I’m not sure the jingle/buzz would even work, but I think it’s worth a try. We’ve tried setting a specific ringtone for me and similar alternatives. But I think they don’t work as well because they’re “still” phone calls and text messages; and his brain is wired to perceive them badly. This is why I would like to have an app or something that is entirely separate. Does this make sense?
If your or his opinion is shaky as in the sense of that their might be room for change then you guys need to discuss this more deeply. If both of you are seriously set on this matter you guys need to end it, as in the end one of you would probably have to cave and end up unhappy.
I've just never understood the point of this conversation…..
I think partners who bring this up do it just to make their partners insecure.
I want to make clear you have done nothing wrong and you obviously care about him. He has done a ton of work to improve his self esteem, but finding out his friend group knows his girlfriend has previously slept with her room mate and everyone jokes about it essentially behind his back would be crushing for him.
Walk away. I walked away from a similar situation about a week ago but still find myself getting pulled in. I have decided to end things for good today, for my own mental health. I know what it feels like. Steel up and move on, you'll find out soon enough that the distance will heal wounds quicker than you even imagined.
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Don't listen to this guy. Read the other comments higher up.
I 100% agree. A FUCKING MORON and you might want to reevaluate your friendship with them. Who give a flying fuck if it ends their relationship. If your other friend is a true friend she would dump that piece of shit for doing that to you. That said this is also against the law. If he is willing to do that when he thinks you are incapacitated, then what else is he willing to do? I would consider reporting it.
I wish I had been smarter and noticed all the red flags.
Leave before you have a kid otherwise you’re really going to be stuck with this person.
Exactly. Back off for a bit. Give her a chance to miss you. No groveling!
Should have to*
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If he had actually killed you, would your parents get up and say that at his sentencing?
No, he didn't block her the first time I told him I was uncomfortable. All he said the first time I confronted him was “she is making me uncomfortable too, so I'll stop talking to her.” I didn't press him beyond that because I didn't want to be controlling or demand anything and trusted that it would be enough. But when I saw her still sending him things and liking his posts and interacting with him yesterday, it really bothered me again, and that's when he finally blocked her.
Your bf can go hang out with his friends by himself, seemsike you are a bit codependent with each other. My bf is way more socithan me, sometimes I go hang out with him, sometimes he hangs out with his friends and I enjoy the quiet time by myself and work on my hobbies or watch movies /shows that he wouldn't be interested in. But he doesn't get upset with me that I don't fesl like socializing all the time because he knows it's exhausting for me
Buddy, while you have dated guys similar in age, is it really a good strategy for yourself? Is it really a good plan to date someone like this? You have seen what he is doing, he is showing you who he is. He won't change at 50. He will continue doing this if you let him. Sure, it's all fun and games… but what is the actual likelihood he is serious? Not much.
As I mentioned in a previous comment, he is lovebombing you. This isn't someone who takes a relationship seriously when he avoids questions of the future, and actually calling it like it is.
You want to date? Sure go ahead and explain in the utmost seriousness what you need. But don't expect him to stick around. He will probably lose interest. Date guys your age that actually want to date and build a life with someone. Not playing games with you at 50 years old.
Take your key back, simple! Are you afraid that if you take your key your relationship will end? Perhaps that's what he wants and is pushing you inadvertently to break up with him?
The last sentence!!! Spot on.
OP, You, and your babies deserve so much better. Please break things off, and get yourselves away.
He’s never going to change. Don’t waste any more time, or your youth on him. You can start over.
Learn from my mistakes, I am an old lady who’s been there, done that, and has the shitty t-shirt. Only I gave my shitty ex a deadline to “improve his behavior”. Fully knowing he wouldn’t, so I got my ducks in a row in the meantime. The deadline came, and went. He didn’t change, so out he went.
NGL- it’s hard, but I wouldn’t change my decision.
There are resources out there if you need help.
Sending you a Mom hug. Take a few breaths, and move forward for your babie’s sakes, if not yours.
It would be hard to deal with his family and his mother if you were totally in your court and cut up ties with them. But you don’t have that you have somebody that doesn’t even understand where you’re coming from. I think you had to stay away if you’re in a safe place where you can figure out what to do in another few months you’re going to start feeling like yourself again and be able to move about in the world. You could coparent to be friends the problem is that mother-in-law will have more access to your child if you’re not around. Meaning if he has custody, he can take that kid right around her. That’s a lot to think about before you do anything.
Thanks for this response.
No one wants to believe they are behaving poorly, but I think I needed to read this to realize that I really do owe my ex some space for him as well, not just for me.
Definitely going to therapy for myself though ?
I happened to me twice that I only felt I was going to cum when it was already too late. You guys should use a condom in this situation.
Sure but his behavior isn't appropriate.
Like I said last time, despite your claims to the contrary you absolutely chose a side. It was the wrong one, and it was nice of your mother to give you one more chance to disappoint her.
When she doesn’t reach out again it’s not her “holding a grudge,” by the way. It’s just her having a reasonable boundary.
Your friend is cool! Thank them again. 2, Let her ignore you. She's jealous, insecure, horrifically insulting, obviously has something against disabled people. If the relationship continues she's just going to keep making things difficult.
Did you have a good relationship with them before you found out? You're still young and it's weird for you, but are you seriously willing to throw away your family because of this? It's your emotional immaturity controlling the situation, because you don't have to agree with their lifestyle, but you're making a choice that you will likely one day regret. Sex between consenting adults is 1000% normal.
Update on the Situation: I attempted to speak with my Fiancée about everything and received a very cold shoulder. I’ve spoken with friends and family(not about this situation, just the treatment I was getting) and received some positive support on it. I’m really considering ending things with her, as much as I love her. The wool has been lifted from over my eyes, so to speak, and I realize that my needs and feelings hadn’t been taken care of in this relationship. I will be starting up therapy come next week and trying to work on myself as best as I can.
He insists that I’m the problem and that I talk about how I am feeling too often. But I can’t help but think that the issue is that he doesn’t have capacity for emotional connection. I have even tried couples therapy but we only had a few sessions before he said he didn’t want to pay. It does make me question how much love and respect is coming from his side
This is not healthy behaviour from you. You’re blaming the girl for the ex cheating on her and every single thing you’ve said points to your boy being FRIENDS with this girl. Calm yourself down and get over it.
I second this! I had an ex that would sabotage me whenever I got fit and healthy. He’d insist on ordering in rather than let me cook, under the guise of treating me, but would get upset if I tried to order anything healthy. He’d also suddenly fill the freezer with ice cream, and try to prevent me from going to the gym. Run, OP. This is only going to get worse. Many of us here have lived this, sadly.
She's a free thinker who doesn't swallow what's being fed to her and uses critical thinking. And that's a bad thing?
The entire decade of the 60s was about not trusting the man, the free speech movement, up the establishment, etc… to get people thinking for themselves, right or wrong.
I honestly don't know what's changed over the years that have so many trusting the government, the media and those in power as if any of them have your best interests in mind.
Maybe he is trying to get out of being a father.
I agree with others about doing research but I'd also consider this possibility. Was the letter sent from your city or from another city? Are you sure it went through the post and not only got a stamp/delivered into your mailbox by a person?
Was the envelope handwritten? What color pen? Can you get something from that?
It’s not mixed signals. He’s saying different now and you have every right to push for clarification.
Personally, ild dump anyone who kept trying and made me feel like shit after i said no. No means no and it doesnt need to be said more than once in a healthy relationship.
Here's some insight: she will never forget what you said and more importantly, how you said it. That's the kinda shit that sticks, decades later.
You'll have to work hard to rebuild her trust in you, and she may never be comfortable being honest with you again.
Space is space. You should focus on yourself instead of what he is doing and what she is doing etc.
A life well lived is the best revenge.
If he sees/ hears about you doing things you love, and you’re out in the world doing the things you love. He will either come back, or let you live your life in peace.
Either way you’ll be living your best life. So just focus on that as heavily as you can.
You shouldn't have said that to her, but you were clearly really upset. You guys need to have a serious convo about this. Wanting kids/not wanting kids is a deal breaker. So you guys need to clear this up asap before you waste anymore time.
Specific to OP's situation, she said “I don't think I want kids” which OP should treat as definitive and honest.
You need to get to therapy to get over your issues.
When you do live together. Do you expect your partner to only cook? Will you only cook for yourself and make him cook his own food?
I have no issue with what I've written, and I find your assumptions about “my trauma” and “my projection” to be patronizing, gross, and offensive. Take care.
Well your bf just proved why you are probably insecure. I think starting with getting rid of you boyfriend will make you way more secure with how you dress
If he doesn’t usually do coke maybe he just didn’t think about that
Aw thank you. I really should do this.
Sweetheart, it sounds like he had a better offer that just came off the table and he still considers you a viable fallback option.
Please have some self respect and show him that you're not. It doesn't matter how good you thought things were; he showed you that he has the capacity to completely ghost you on a whim. Do you really want someone who can guiltlessly cause another person that kind of pain in your life?
My concern is that the living situation is stressful and he already has enough going on. Like his mother being sick with Cancer (he's helping look after her) and he's currently unemployed.
1) He's too old for you.
2) He went on a trip for 1.5 months that turned into 2.5 months that turned into 3.5 months that turned into 'I think I'm gonna stay here in my home country.'
3) Send him a text wishing him well, tell him you're moving on, then block his number and block him on all social media.
4) Find someone more your own age to have fun with 18y-24y.