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Liselle, y.o.
Location: Here
Room subject: ‘, CrazyTicket’: The show will end soon. Buying a ticket now is NOT recommended. Type /cmds to see all commands.
To Start live video press there
Live! Live Sex Chat rooms Liselle
Date: December 7, 2022
Dude what?
Ok ask when she thinks it is ok to kiss. Sounds like you are in India or something like that where kisses are a bit of a no no
Let the dude run out like the first dude is the pretty obvious answer
Completely reasonable honestly, it’s possible that in his eyes he sees you getting to be home all day doing “nothing” and asking to spend “his” nude earned money while he’s working long hours, and has grown resentful and maybe he hasn’t fully realized it but this thing about his family was the straw that broke the camels back. I really hope it works out for you even if you two aren’t able to reconcile.
((Mostly unrelated to the original post haha – I saw your comment above and had many feelings about it – so wrote a lot about my own thoughts on it? Sorry for blurting!))
This is very true! Whenever someone comes to me, I instinctively want to fix the problem or provide solutions to address it / the fallout. I do listen, but I always viewed it as ‘they’re looking for help / advice / support.’ Basically, I have a practical mindset, project what I would want outwards, and I’m not very good at sitting back as a result.
On top of this, I also have a tendency to feel like I have to take on and fix every issue I hear about. By this I mean that I feel the weight of the problem, I get anxious about not sorting it out, and I waste a lot of my own time and energy worrying how to fix it. Disaster combination – I guess it comes from too much empathy, which is nice and all, but it also makes me controlling because I want to meddle in other people’s business to fix it.
This combination is obviously a problem! I’ve had friendship issues in the past because of it – newsflash to past me, people don’t always want you to get involved in their business and try to solve their problems. Who knew?!
Anyway, that’s why I liked your comment a lot. Setting early, healthy boundaries is good, practical (yay!) advice for maintaining relationships, especially when other people deal with frequent problems – or verge into having deeper issues of their own. But I have some further thoughts about what you said about ‘sitting beside’ someone as a result of my own experience.
It’s hot to remember to set and retain those boundaries sometimes, and with my stress take-on-the-problems issue it’s difficult to hold them up. My personal alternative approach when things get too much is often saying ‘please don’t tell me about it, because it weighs on me – and yes, that’s a me problem.’
Ideally I would have the “emotional headspace” to just address it and chip away at the underlying problem, but sometimes life happens and it’s not realistic. As such, telling a friend to keep me out of the loop is actually probably the best solution. (Let me know if you disagree though!)
Does that fix the problems? No. Is it a bit rubbish that I have to tell my friends to confide in someone else instead? Yeah, probably. Despite this, is it an okay temporary solution until I work on fixing the root cause of my own desire to fix everything? Yes! It’s better than ruining friendships by meddling, that’s for sure.
And also, yet another tangent here, but friend toxicity. Sometimes issues are minor, sometimes they’re recurring but not yet ruining your friendship, and sometimes they’re so entrenched it’s become a personality trait to them. Drawing the line between these is hard and there’s icky middle ground. Sometimes a friend is just working through stuff in their own time and it isn’t really damaging, but other times a toxic friend needs to go because they’re being harmful and splashing internal issues outward. Even if they have a good reason for being in pain, it’s not okay to continue to dump that on other people.
I think the best practise is probably being upfront about it and seeing how they handle it – if you see introspection, self-awareness and genuine work on the issues, amazing. If your friend basically ignores you, reverts right back, or (the weird worst one of them all) shows self-awareness > seems like they’ll work on it > and STILL continues with a complete lack of action? Just take a few more steps back, it’s not good for you at this point.
ANYWAY. After all that.
My own recommendation, which is basically what you said anyway but just a small addition, is to be gentle with yourself and acknowledge when you can’t do it. Boundaries are good but if you are finding it very hot to deal with a friend’s issues and ‘sit beside them in the darkness’, then it’s okay to look to other measures. These could include talking to someone else, establishing concrete boundaries and rules for their interactions with you specifically, or cutting out the ‘toxic’ friend.
Never worth feeling guilty for needing to retreat from the issue, because adult friends are able to accept that sometimes people aren’t able to drop everything to help. And sometimes your brain is just wired a little bit differently and you can’t make room to take on another issue in your mind. That’s okay!
Not sure why I’ve sent this comment. Maybe the internet doesn’t need to see it? And it’s a really long rant, whoops, and I’ve written it now so I’ll share it. But hope you don’t mind! Just wanted to let you know that those few sentences made me smile and reassured me. (and then I’ve written like 9 paragraphs…) now, time to write an essay.
(And on the original post, this situation sounds exhausting – 100% sounds like the best solution here is to set boundaries, establish that you can’t discuss this anymore, and go further if needed. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that but sometimes a problem is just endemic and someone refusing to deal with it affects you negatively to a significant degree – and you have to take protective action at that point.)
Yeah, but celebrating by myself? That's not how I imagined my graduation. I think what's holding me back is the pity people (my classmates and their families) will feel for me once they realize no one showed up for me 🙁 Maybe it'll be easier for everyone if I just show up for my brother. Idk.