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PromiscuousPartners, 31 y.o.
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Date: November 20, 2022
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That's what I keep saying — it's hurtful that she isn't supporting me. My wife says she thinks I'm trying to sabotage the marriage by holding firm on this — get the sense that she's projecting but who knows
first off, this is freaking reddit , you chose to put out your private business on a very public forum and you are also the one that controls what you share with us total strangers. if you don't want a brutal and honest opinion based on what little info you have then go to another subreddit or maybe like yahoo questions or something.
and i quote ” I'm not seeking validation on how to handle the situation from a choice that i've already made” – so you admit, you already made the choice to go with your work buddies and are looking for someone to say, yea you're doing the right thing she is tripping. you said yourself you want “reddit support” only you know what the heck that means to you. to the rest of us that sure sounds like I want someone to tell me I am right.
people are giving you valid opinions and your emotional maturity or lack thereof is showing with how you're responding. if you made an adult decision to hang out with your buddies then be an adult and take whatever fallout you will receive from a very upset gf.
and look, I agree that you hanging out with friends is a good thing and go for it, but is NYE really the hill you want to die on? do said friends hang out outside of work on other days that are not NYE? why can't you hang out with them on a day that isn't clearly important to your gf.
or come up with a third option that you and your gf can do together alone that will be just as fun for both of you.
Also, you keep insisting you didn't make plans with your gf, but her reaction says otherwise. Maybe consider how clear and effective your form of communication is with her. Maybe in the future tell her that you 100% won't be hanging out with her so there isn't room for interpretation because if you even left a tiny sliver of hope that you would pick your gf of 2 yrs over 3 week old friends, well, you can see why in her mind she figured you would pick her on NYE.
That’s something you never ask man.
I’ve been with my gf over a year and neither of us have asked each other about exes in bed.
That’s a conversation that could go bad either way.
What’s important is we’re together now. Nothing we did before we met is important.
Is this real?
I have lots of my own friends… idk where I said that I don’t have my own friends.
Actions have consequences. These are the consequences of your “break.”
You need to end contact with this guy altogether, permanently, and focus on your relationship. Or end your marriage and see if something works with Nick. You can’t keep nursing the crush and wondering why it won’t go away.
Is she enough right now? Exactly as she is?
It’s certainly feasible for a person “not knowing what they want to do” to feel like a driven/high achieving partner’s encouragement to “follow her dreams and do what she wants” is perhaps more a judgment, or an expectation. Like maybe you’re expecting her to have the same priorities/framework that you do, but she doesn’t, and so any ‘support’ you offer her comes across as pressure, or a shortcoming?
Idk if that makes sense, but as a wife of a man who absolutely embodies grit and work ethic, it often felt as though his very ability to take risks and jump at opportunities was rooted in a confidence and security that I, having grown up financially insecure and without stable emotional support from family, simply didn’t have (parents both died young, only child. But the resulting risk aversion could be expected in any number of other situations in which a young person grows up aware of a lack of financial safety net, in turn relying far more on social capital and interpersonal connection/experiences?)
And I have worked incredibly nude myself, too… and KNOW that my work ethic is top notch, but… it frequently felt like things that were a genuine achievement or a big win, in relation to the scarcity I grew up with and balanced with the (my) reality of having had to overcome such disproportionate fears/hyper awareness of how tenuous it all is, were small fries not-worth-even-an-acknowledgment to him. Bc they simply didn’t rate for him. Bc our foundations were so incredibly different.
Perhaps she needs to shore up her sense of basic security, so that she feels safe taking risks.
Perhaps she needs to know that wherever your focus lies, whatever heights you achieve as an individual, she is still a priority to you, and not a trophy or an appendage or an afterthought. How do you show her that you truly, deeply value her? (And not with gifts and such, but with words & actions & no-expectations listening/support!)
Perhaps she simply needs to be acknowledged for having stuck by you for so long when what she wanted was something different.
Perhaps she needs a genuine apology/recognition of the ways your choices sidelined/disregarded her? She needs a voice, and it doesn’t sound like all the money in the world can buy that for her.
I’m glad for you, OP, that your endeavors bore such healthy fruit (that’s saying a lot in this day and age) and even more so glad that you are here asking questions and clearly open to outside input with evident intent of unearthing what your wife might need! I hope you two can communicate and redevelop the love that initially brought you together within the context of this new, polarized (but also very fortunate) reality.
Maybe you can start by trying to date again? Put that same level of interest/curiosity in to your partnership as you both did initially, or as much as you put in to your business ventures?
Is she enough right now? Exactly as she is?
It’s certainly feasible for a person “not knowing what they want to do” to feel like a driven/high achieving partner’s encouragement to “follow her dreams and do what she wants” is perhaps more a judgment, or an expectation. Like maybe you’re expecting her to have the same priorities/framework that you do, but she doesn’t, and so any ‘support’ you offer her comes across as pressure, or a shortcoming?
Idk if that makes sense, but as a wife of a man who absolutely embodies grit and work ethic, it often felt as though his very ability to take risks and jump at opportunities was rooted in a confidence and security that I, having grown up financially insecure and without stable emotional support from family, simply didn’t have (parents both died young, only child. But the resulting risk aversion could be expected in any number of other situations in which a young person grows up aware of a lack of financial safety net, in turn relying far more on social capital and interpersonal connection/experiences?)
And I have worked incredibly hot myself, too… and KNOW that my work ethic is top notch, but… it frequently felt like things that were a genuine achievement or a big win, in relation to the scarcity I grew up with and balanced with the (my) reality of having had to overcome such disproportionate fears/hyper awareness of how tenuous it all is, were small fries not-worth-even-an-acknowledgment to him. Bc they simply didn’t rate for him. Bc our foundations were so incredibly different.
Perhaps she needs to shore up her sense of basic security, so that she feels safe taking risks.
Perhaps she needs to know that wherever your focus lies, whatever heights you achieve as an individual, she is still a priority to you, and not a trophy or an appendage or an afterthought. How do you show her that you truly, deeply value her? (And not with gifts and such, but with words & actions & no-expectations listening/support!)
Perhaps she simply needs to be acknowledged for having stuck by you for so long when what she wanted was something different.
Perhaps she needs a genuine apology/recognition of the ways your choices sidelined/disregarded her? She needs a voice, and it doesn’t sound like all the money in the world can buy that for her.
I’m glad for you, OP, that your endeavors bore such healthy fruit (that’s saying a lot in this day and age) and even more so glad that you are here asking questions and clearly open to outside input with evident intent of unearthing what your wife might need! I hope you two can communicate and redevelop the love that initially brought you together within the context of this new, polarized (but also very fortunate) reality.
Maybe you can start by trying to date again? Put that same level of interest/curiosity in to your partnership as you both did initially, or as much as you put in to your business ventures?
It’s just nude to really accept that. There’s always that nagging “what if” thought. Like tbh, now that we’re doing therapy, I realize that many of the problems my ex and I had could’ve been resolved through couples counseling. I’m obv over that relationship, but it was sad to realize that.
Things won't get better. You can't just will someone into having basic respect towards you if they don't want it. Or will them to be attracted to you. He doesn't want to change. You can't make him change. You love the ideal version of him that you want to believe in. Not the actual him that is treating you badly and will continue to do so. Not only does he not want to change but you are accepting his bad behavior by continueing to stay.
Yeah I was gonna say this, I wouldn’t think she still has feelings for him but she might look at those videos in her alone time, she’s still a teenager after all. She should have deleted them though if they made you uncomfortable, I agree with that. Either way, you’re young, I’d get out before she tries to pull more stuff like this. If you really think you love her then I don’t want to tell you you’re wrong, feelings are feelings, so it might be difficult to leave, but trust me, you’ll fall in love again, hopefully with someone who doesn’t keep home videos of their previous sexual partner.
OP is probaby somehow jealous of the guy.