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Date: November 18, 2022
AmateurPub
Being so young and dumb again.
/r/lostredditors
Oh wow, I’m sorry you ended up in this mess. I understand her stance regarding not blocking him due to work, but I feel that there are much bigger problems here. I do genuinely believe your partner loves you and wants to be with you, but up until this point she hasn’t really showed she is trustworthy and she expect you to believe her and be fine with it. Because she is not willing to put a lot of effort into proving to you that she is willing to provide you with the necessary reassurance you need. How long has this emotional rollercoaster been going on? How much longer can you take this without becoming completely mental? She moved across the country. Is the country small? How are you going to take the next hurdles in your relationship? For me it would be too much drama too soon without actual real life complications such as children, health, money,… . Thing about yourself, what would need to change for you to be happy in this relationship. Think long and hard. Write it down if needed. Once you know, evaluate truthfully if you think you can ever get that from her, or if she would be willing to do those changes,
It's indoctrination, and can be heavy.
It may be hard to imagine, but a lot of the people we in the US see as foreigners and might be a bit racist to will sometimes return the favor, and to a super concerning degree. Autonomy and self respect mean very little when you grow up under a value system that gets close to eugenics and segregation
It's one thing to look at a non-relative, but like an entire different world to ogle family. Yeah, it's fucking disgusting that he's ogling his own sister.
Find someone who doesn't have incest-y tendencies.
He should name his child Snow
I’d like to know how the relationship was before the pregnancy. Did the same or similar types of issues occur then? Were there any red flags in retrospect?
10/10 David blocked all of your numbers from his wife's phone. You should talk with her in person.
no cheating here; as clear boundaries were set. if jealousy rears its' ugly head (does your boyfriend have jealousy issues?), then this situation will be thrown back at you and may possibly be the demise of your relationship.
Find another woman who doesn’t disrespect your late wife or tries to erase her memory from your daughters life. There are women out their who can show more compassion than this jealous witch of a woman. She wants your daughter to stop talking about her? Will she be cut off from her mother’s side so they can’t share stories with her? Will all photos/items of your late wife be removed from the house? Are you both gonna act like she never existed?? If so then that’s disgusting. It’s your duty to put your daughters well being first. Do not put your gf first just because you don’t want to be lonely. There are other better options for a partner out there. And please get therapy for your grief.
This honestly feels like it’s bait but if it isn’t—any 27 year old man who would dare a 17 year old girl is not a good man. Full stop.
That said, you are very wrong. He’s crying with his sister watching videos of them as kids with their dad. Their dad died. It’s an intimate thing, yes, but zero percent sexual or devious in nature.
I maintain that you should not be with him. That said you were wrong and owe him an apology. He was wrong to scream at you and I hope he can own that, but to knock and try to open a door and melt down about “another woman” is just awkward and insecure in any case, but this is next level.
I suspect he preys on that insecurity to keep you where he wants you. I hope you are smart enough to get out and grow up some before getting in a serious relationship and that you don’t date dudes who are over 25 until you are 25.
Block Delete Ignore
Only do it if you're comfortable with it! Otherwise it'll just cause problems in your relationship afterwards.
It’s over
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When are we celebrating the divorce anniversary? What about an on-line cup of wine? I’m ready.
Agreed, he could have man up and break up
Ops post has stated a few red flags and anyone in their right mind would have left ages ago so I don't blame him
But still a very shitty way of trying to break up, OP can do better
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Divorce her ass
I am hoping he will realize his life is valuable and take care of himself and work on becoming better. Although, I’ve been waiting for 6 months now after he said he was going to make some big changes that have not been followed through on
You've dared this guy a year and over 6 month waited on him to try to be decent. Why on earth would you not leave? Why do you insist on wasting your time on an angry, drunken, loser that has no intention of changing.
He did apologize for finishing so quickly and said it was just really good and he was so nervous and he asked if I finished and I said yeah He offered to finish me off with oral but I wasn't in the mood anymore and I said I'm fine
You don't accidentally cheat on someone drunk or not.
To me this is a hill to die on. Break up with boyfriend. You deserve better. Whether he was blackout and doesn't remember or not does not matter. He is probably telling you to guage your reaction to verify if this is something he can get away with doing again.
You're an adult, start acting like one.
I think we said the same thing ?
This is a beautiful response. Thank you so much.
I don't understand. It's normal to feel crushes and she came and told you how she was feeling. You're working on your intimacy. Why have a trial seperation?
I am not sure if anyone wanted an update, but just wanted to clarify on whatt actually happened.
My amazing bf ended up getting me a whole carebear cutlery and eating set and the dress was a fake gift because he knew I was too impatient to wait. It was his way of pranking and surprising me.
Oh he does but he’s the type that’s going to play dumb bc he wants to gas light his wife into believing he’s so shocked by this revelation and after all, it’s just a “misunderstanding”.
Tell him he doesn't have to force a convo by text, just sending like a smiling emoji or whatever will let you know he thinks of you, because I think that's what he is trying to convey.
dont get mw wrong ill be submissive in a healthy way to my man but i also want him to put in work, ive seen/read about it where guys are provider/alpha and women are submissive but there still equity.
This is the unhealthiest most toxic masculinity shit I've ever read. Even in a heterosexual relationship you can be equals. You don't need to be “submissive” in any way.
Are you on any depression/anxiety meds? You sound like me when I’m off meds. Before worrying about your bf, you need to work on yourself. Talk to a therapist and find out better methods of communication, talk to your primary physician or psychiatrist about what medications might be best for you.
Personally I’m on Lexapro for anxiety/depression and it helps me so damn much. Focus on yourself and your own health and the rest will fall into place.
A lot of comments focusing on the meowing, but it doesn’t really matter what she does, the point is it details the conversation so it either becomes about the meowing (aka you telling her to stop) or you give up. You said she’s doing it when your trying to be serious and talk about your day, maybe she doesn’t want to have the conversation and rather than verbalise it, it’s easier for her to be annoying until it’s over.
It’s not okay, and she needs to improve her communication, but I think it would be worth discussing it beyond the meowing and focus on the result; is she trying to shut down conversations? Is it a particular type of conversation she’s avoiding?
You didn't consent to being her “owner” as a cat. That is kind of important. Also if you were you would be able to call a time out. She is being very rude by any standard
If she's going that, she's doing this cat thing all wrong. Every cat guardian knows we do not own cats. They own us. We are their slaves who've lived longer, give them shelter and pay all the bills, including food, while giving them treats, scritches and love.
When you feel guilt, I think it's important to ask yourself WHERE the guilt is coming from. Is it internal or external? Is it guilt or is it actually shame? To differentiate, in general guilt is “I messed up this thing and I feel bad about it” and shame is “I messed up this thing and that makes me a bad person.” (I'm not saying you messed up either, just for example.)
What is your actual guilt about? You need to be able to name it so you can sort through it. Is it that you think you need to be “loyal” to family? Is it that it's “wrong” for children to cut off their parents? If so, do you think these messages are correct or have they been imprinted on you by social conditioning? What do you think you “owe” to your mother and brother, if anything? What causes us to “owe” someone? What do they owe us in return?
I thought this was absolutely horrifying after reading this post, but after reading your post history I’m seriously just beyond words. I also have a major fear of pregnancy and even the idea of having to abort terrifies me. I second the person that said this is an act of violence. I’m so fucking sorry. This is an especially extreme situation, but based on the type of person this man is, I reeeeally encourage you to watch Dr. Ramani on YouTube. She talks about narcissistic abuse and I think it could really help you cope while dealing with the confusion of this type of situation. I’m seriously so sorry.
Yes.
Yes.
You can still be neglecting your relationship, especially if it’s a new hobby and he’s gotten super excited about it and is doing it all the time. I do agree that ppl can technically do whatever they want with a gift but I think in a relationship, especially one that’s financially strained, it’s important to do things in a way that both are comfortable with. Or do it where everyone has a chance to really be honest about how they feel. I think the Xbox is reflective of a deeper problem they need to address
Exactly this. My dad became quadrophelic later in life. I have helped change his diapers. Mostly it was my mum and nurses doing it but neither me or my brother would shy away from it when help was needed.
There is nothing sexual about that activity. He is my dad, I don't feel arousal when I see his penis. It's just a part of his body and when I help him change clothes or change a diaper I am doing a care taking activity. It's 100% platonic and an act of love and devotion.
OP ought to dump his partner imo. This would be a dealbreaker to me.
Codependency
If you were going to break up with her anyway, maybe you you still should. It’s not fair to bring a child up in an unhealthy environment where you’re resenting each other.
The child will never know any better and you may be able to have a great Co-parenting relationship. Remaining as a couple for a baby ultimately will not work.
Oh no that's not OK. 🙁
Exactly. How would either of the girls like it if OP shared a hard pic of them?
Because they don’t care about the nuance, they just want to bash him over the head so he punishes this woman for doing something bad that had absolutely no effect on him.
OP, your wife is being controlling and has absolutely no trust in you. Whether your friend cheated should have no bearing on your marriage. Do with that what you will.
We're also supposed to recognize when a friendship has run its course. Not all friendships are forever.
Ones that prioritize their own enjoyment over their word, their commitments, and basic decency aren't ones to keep forever.
They're definitely not ones to nuke your relationships over.
Lol no, you just don't have a high level of intimacy with your friends.
Leave her on read. She wants attention from you, good or bad, as long as it's attention. Let her scream into the void and strain her hearing eaiting for an echo that isn't coming. Cheaters deserve to be left in that suspense.
The whole blacking out thing and his girlfriend being scared for the robber don’t sound like they would be in OP’s favor either way.
It’s so confusing you should just be aware that there is a 75% chance you will get charged if you report these instances to police. We cannot protect our homes nor do we actually own the land we live on. It’s common throughout the commonwealth to have laws like this, it’s a left over mess from the days of serfdom and being that violence is usually bad, it’s spun as if the law protects us from ourselves causing more damage.
If a person enters your home unlawfully regardless of intent, in my and many other people’s opinion, they have forfeited any protections from physical harm the law may afford them until such time as they have been eliminated as a threat, eg they leave the area, or are physically unable to continue with their previous plans.
The force continuum explains how this should work in practice, the person defending can always move one step up the continuum in order to eliminate a threat where it is lawful to do so. Eg. man enters your home to rob you, you confront him, he stands his ground and escalates to threats of physical violence, you then can escalate to the use of non lethal force, if that man then escalates to non lethal force with a weapon you can jump straight to potential lethal force, a fire arm or blade. Police use this day to day in commonwealth countries, the rank and file citizenry cannot, we are asked to make way for perpetrators.
Good! You’re beating yourself up more than your average person would. Do things until they stop feeling good or you realize it’s not for you. You don’t owe anyone anything. You owe yourself self-compassion. If you ever need to talk feel free to message me. I was in your shoes at one point and still struggle with unnecessary and unwanted feelings of shame and guilt around things people think I’m crazy for even having. Always here. Good luck and have fun.
Gurl. Don't you dare settle on someone that don't respect you. This is your life, your happiness your talking about. Never settle.
You reach out, time is precious. He shouldn’t get to waste hers too. I’d you want to back up your safety too get a restraint against him like a non molestation order (uk)
Instead of playing the guessing game just ask him. You can ask him what type of relationship he is looking for. Imo he doesn’t seem interested. He keeps postponing keeps not responding to you for hours repeatedly. My bf always texted me and planned things out if he didn’t text it was for work or important things which is understandable no need to be needy
If you’re serious about making it work then don’t make the snarky comments. Most people don’t sext because they’re evil. It’s usually because something is missing in the relationship and one or both people suck at communication (sounds like both people in this situation). Beating her down is going to send her back to where she was or it will end the relationship in an unnecessarily horrible way for both of you. You guys need to speak to a professional to LEARN how to move forward in a healthy manner whether it be apart or together.
If you try real hard you can convince yourself this never happened
This is a lesson.
You have to stop inflating people in your mind before they've earned it in your life.
You're only blindsided because you didn't know her enough to rationally expect better. She simply hasn't earned the way you view her. Leo in mind I'm not taking about standards and requirements. I'm talking about expectations.
Rule: Everyone gets baseline respect. Anything more must be earned.
Who is the principal wage earner in this relationship? You are married to your wife, which makes any children she has legally yours, depending on the laws in your area. Since she and the baby’s father are not married, you will probably be legally financially responsible for this child. I would talk to a lawyer about your options here and determine if you want to continue to finance their children.
I'm just not totally sure what to do.. I love my sister this does bug me I'm just at a loss
Op, I’ve got a handful more years of dating in the hopper. If I were in your shoes, I would leave.
Oh good grief, so he saw your wife hard. It’s not like he had sex with her. Although he might if you harass her about it all.
Oh so he was pushing and hoping she'd feel bad and sleep with him? Yeah she should walk away.
Is your wife usually a people pleaser? She may have had a hot time saying no if he kept pushing her.
Having friends of opposite gender in relationship is not wrong in any way. Of course if you both mutually agree otherwise it is fine. Who was pushing for ypur agreement back then?
There of course needs to be proper boundaries when it comes such friendships, and they should be established early.
Of course, if it is such a dealbreaker you can indeed break up, and seek girl that feels the same way on this topic as you. It's about how you feel on this topic after all.
A lot of people seem to disagree with this view.
This situation calls for a lawyer, not a Redditor.
Wholeheartedly agree. I see sobriety as the only possible pathway forward together.
Needles to say I'm not going back to her but this experience left a sour taste in my mouth.
I can offer one of those giant two-foot-long novelty pencils, and an ornery cat.
This is a dealbreaker, so changes need to be made for you to be able to trust her and feel safe in this relationship.
She can't drink like that again. There is no excuse now. I can understand that some people act differently when they're drunk and that some of them don't know because they've never been drunk or that drunk. Once you have been there and know, it's time to own it up and act accordingly. If you know you get violent when you drunk and you get drunk again and attack someone, it's your fault and your responsibility. Don't drink if you don't want to be violent, as simple as that.
I wouldn't marry her until you sort this out. Not remembering it is also not an excuse to not talk about it. It happened and you need to discuss it.
And after talking about this, if she ever gets as drunk, you should leave, even if she doesn't hit you, because if she keeps getting drunk, it will happen again.
Or she wants a bigger and more expensive ring.