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TrapLodgeDudes, 25 y.o.
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Date: November 18, 2022
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Don’t do it bro it’s not worth it. If you really love this girl whole heartedly don’t do anything stupid if I had a chance to do it all over again I would’ve kept those thoughts in my head and wouldn’t have acted on any of them
This is not even approaching okay. This is verbal abuse.
It’s extremely concerning that he’s blaming you for his behavior.
You could consider gauging her interest into a threesome. If your relationship is strong and you communicate well with each other then it could be a good good way for both of you to experience others while doing things with each other still
Women’s self defense classes are a complete joke. You really want to defend yourself. Take a gun safety/training course and then buy one. Only real way (the average) women will be able to defend herself from a man. (Sorry if I hurt your fucking feelings but it’s true)
You are choosing an unstable sibling over your solid marriage.
You won’t fix her problems but you will create your own.
Is that really the choice you want to make?
“So I didn’t really put in any effort”
Sounds like that’s been the case for 3 years. Your dismissive attitude towards him makes it clear you rely on his support and still manage to take him for granted.
So she probably accidentally called the wrong number for 3 seconds over a year ago and you shot yourself in the foot.
I'm with her. This is over. If you go this crazy over one accidental 3 second call a year ago, then you can't be a good partner.
No one here is going to agree with how far you're going. This isn't a validation sub. This is an advice sub, and the advice is to realize you're in the wrong, ask for forgiveness, and get therapy.
If you're lucky she won't leave.
Yes this is emotional immaturity and not an appropriate method of handling frustration as an adult
Sending hugs OP, the pain and trauma from something like this is terrible. Your kids will be a great distraction and comfort to you. You got this. You deserve to be loved and respected, keep your head up dude. It gets easier with time, the pain lessens and your eyes will open to your new life; full it with self love and true love.
This one is really tough, I understand your struggle in a way because my parents were strict… HOWEVER I am not Indian and I know from having Indian friends that for some parents it literally means EVERYTHING to stay within the culture. It's similar to some Jewish and Islamic views even today. Heck, I've even seen Catholic familes have the same principles. It's skidding a fine line. I am not sure if you'll find a great answer here from someone unless they know the culture well enough, but my 2 cents is that you should approach them and ask them to give you their reasons and why it is important to them. The more specific they can get, the better to really peel back the layers and understand. Good luck to you either way.
My ex had a daughter who I absolutely adored. She hit her more than once and was unwilling to change. I left. I realised that at some point, she was going to hit her daughter and I'd snap and I'd probably throw my ex down the stairs or something in retaliation. It wasn't going good places. Along with the fear that I would intervene physically, what if we had a child together? It's different when it's your own flesh and blood.
Incompatible parenting style should absolutely be a deal breaker, but there is a big caveat there; is he willing to change? I mean, most parents' goals are the same, but they take very different paths to get there. If he concedes he is going about things the wrong way and demonstrates real change, then is that something you can live with?
Wow, what a baseless, sexist thing to say.
You pick them up once then you constantly reinfect yourself by not taking care of it properly.
i saw that afterwards in the comments.
at first i read it as 'its not for a year', meaning it had just recently happened, not as 'not until next year', which is still a weird way to say it when it's a month away. yeah, it's next calendar year, but i guess that's part of not having a fully formed pre-frontal cortex.
that being said- people with birthday's on december 20 are pissed to have their birthdays rolled into christmas. so i find it hilarious that he's rolling her birthday into christmas while also labelling it as 'next year'. looks like homie is trying to have his cake, and eat it too!
That's unfortunate. However if that's how he wants to act there doesn't seem like there's much you can do
You have to be responsible for your actions, sober or not.
It's looking like you need to quit drinking. Being drunk is no excuse to behave badly. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but stating the truth. You have already either ended this relationship, or completely changed his view of you. It will be naked to ever get him to look at you the same as you have mentally traumatized him.
Get help. Maybe help for the alcohol and some therapy. Tell your BF you are getting help. Maybe even ask him to support you through it even if isn't sure if he wants to stay together. Maybe he can sit in on a few meetings or such to see you are really giving your best effort. I'm sure he would love to see you improve yourself. WHo knows, if he is sure you are trying to fix yourself, maybe some of the trust can be repaired.
Is there a domestic violence support service you're able to speak to get some guidance on the situation?
It obviously doesn't out weigh it, if you're hesitating to make things official because of it.
3 months in and talk of naming future kids after his dead ex?
Naw. There's baggage and that's a train carriage full of it.
I think it might be sexual harassment but I could be wrong. Not arguing semantics for the fun of it, just there are levels to it.
I was sexually assaulted when a man grabbed me by the pussy from behind and rubbed up to my butt very slowly and rough.
So I don’t know if someone trying to kiss you unsuccessfully is assault or harassment.
Let me be clear though, it’s shitty either way.
she also said she wanted to process things herself and not speak to me for a while.
That's what the space is for, she's still processing. It's not gonna happen as fast as you want it to and she probably doesn't know how to tell you.
Sounds like you're trying to jump into this a little fast beloved, you told her to take all the time she needs and she is.
You are an adult. You have a right to make your own choices about your own body.
He took that right away from you, against your will, because he thinks HIS decisions about your body are more important than respecting your free will as a person.
You need to leave.
That you think what he's done is right because it's “for the right reasons” is enough of a bad answer as you could provide – what he did isn't justified, it isn't right, it's falsely imprisoning you against your will.
It doesn't matter that he made you soup, looked after you and helped you go to the bathroom – that it was his own brother visiting you rather than anyone else makes me wonder if he was aware of you being handcuffed? If you were and he didn't care, this is just beyond alarming.
Without even going into the legalities of it – nevermind you saying it's “technically” not legal, well no, it's not. Anyone you tell this story to that thinks it's OK needs a slap, because it's wrong.
This is shocking and I can only imagine what your family would think if you told them – much less the Police. If you told either and he got arrested as a result it should only be a further clear sign this isn't “sweet, nice and protective” behaviour.
This is so 1940s, it saddens me. And it feels manipulative – OP watch it. It’s 2023 and presumably she lives in an industrialized country (?). Instead of assuming the financial responsibility for her – how about helping her figure out how to become self supporting instead. Watch the child while she attends light school for example. She will eventually thank you for that.
How about a gift?
I mean the only advice you need is legal advice and to get a divorce
Why are you the only one that loves him? Isn't that such an obvious red flag? HE SENT HIS EX TO THE HOSPITAL! Is that not a red flag? My god; leave before he puts you in the graveyard!
Why is this man the love of your life? He sounds like an angry toddler. Yikes
Pretty big red flag