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Yuna, 20 y.o.
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Date: November 15, 2022
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I've had to interact with plenty of people that need to be precisely and factually correct in the micro; often while ignoring the broader topic or issue. For my personality type, I find them exhausting. But, in the example you provided, it doesn't sound like that. It sounds more like you're a planner and like to have contingencies.
In your case, it sounds more like you have a communication issue to work through. You're both bringing your past, your temperament, and your biases into the relationship. And, you both need to work to find a communication style that works.
One thing I've found that helps me in situations like the example you provided is to reframe it. For example,
“I think we should go by coach.”
“I'd rather take the train.”
“I understand. I know you find taking the train to be more relaxing. I guess I'm just concerned that the strikes won't be resolved by our trip and I don't like our travel plans to be up in the air like that”
By reframing it, you give yourself space to get to the root of what your actual concern is. You make sure your partner is heard. And you redirect the dialog towards what you actually see as the problem. It also steers clear of making the other person feel smaller for overlooking something that you think is obvious.
Probably not gonna be popular on here cause a lot of people like to jump to the cheating narrative.
What if her sister and her BIL are having problems? Or if she knows her sister will jump to conclusions, just like you? What if she once had a tiny little crush on BIL and sister knows about it? Because this all might be completely innocent. It is likely it might have been an accidental transfer from her sisters house or from the place where you do your laundry. And if she indeed does her laundry at her sisters house frequently it is logical that she would know what kind of undies he wears.
I can also understand that you going there and asking about it would be really embarrassing for her. Because it would be you accusing her of possibly cheating with her BIL and would show how little you trust her and that the relationship she has with you is not so fantastic. And a combination of any of the possibilities I mentioned above would be a dealbreaker for me too.
Just forget about it and keep going. If something similar happens again then you might want to make a decision
I think you should discuss this with your therapist. They can provide better insight esp in comparison with what you’ve been through. I did the same thing when I was dating. It helped me prepare to date and look for bad signs before dating and then use those while dating to figure out if someone was right for me. I also voiced concerns and how to handle them with that person.
Wow you are definitely a salty girl ?
He has some anger issues but we work on it and he’s gotten a lot better. I’m 100% sure his threats to end it with me aren’t real in the part but this one I think is real. He does this because he can’t control his anger sometimes
If you want to stay with her then pretend you didn’t see it. If you think she cheated & that’s a deal breaker then confront her.
You could always try to ask without confronting. Bring up conversations about exes, maybe yours, see how she reacts.