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Tralalabala, 99 y.o.
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Date: October 29, 2022
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I could use some advice. Should I just move on? Is there some way to explain to her why this still hurts me so bad?
For her this was 5 years ago, and also not that big a deal because she was the one saying and doing everything inappropriate. For you this happened yesterday, and you were the victim of her inappropriate behavior. She doesn't get the handwave away your feelings on the subject and she doesn't get to tell you when it's been too long to get upset about it.
As far as moving on, I don't see a way to do that without her acknowledging what she did was wrong without trying to spread the blame around and make this a “you looked at my phone so we're equally bad” situation. First of all, she ASKED you to look at her phone. Secondly, to the extent her privacy was invaded it was by her husband and shared with no one. Meanwhile your privacy was violated by being mocked and insulted by her and a crowd of her friends, all of whom I'm sure you've interacted with at some point and now you know they had been having these conversations about you. It's hurtful, and your wife needs to acknowledge that and own up to her bad behavior. If she keeps doubling down on “it's over, forget about it” or “well you looked at my phone so we're even” then I honestly can't see you getting past this. There's no way for you to come to terms with it if she refuses to admit she did anything wrong.
Update: I scheduled a therapy appointment for Sunday at 2. My boyfriend offered to pay for it. I also found a support group for women with trauma that I will be joining.