you can make new friends. you’ll find a new girlfriend. her dad was a person in this world. with his own connections and people and friends. now he’s gone forever and all of those people are affected. this is bigger than just your relationship. you’ll get over that stuff. this guy is gone forever. it doesn’t matter the circumstances at all. it doesn’t matter how your ex hurt you at all. this isn’t about you and you should not be happy about a man dying. i suggest some therapy man
I had to talk to a friend about flicking lighters too close to my face once. I had another “friend” now exfriend show up to a party I was hosting because he couldn't wait to fire his rifle out over the lake we were staying on. Both instances, I wanted to give these friends the benefit of the doubt and told them what they were doing was dangerous, inappropriate, and they need to stop/take their rifle home or there will be no further contact. Lighter friend listened, realized I was scared of my hair catching fire, and apologized saying he never thought about how lighters could be scarier so close if you have longer hair, and has never done so ever again near me. Rifle guy is now an ex friend because he insisted on shooting his gun anyways a few minutes after I saw the gun and told him no. When another guy confronted him about this, he started swinging the “unloaded” gun around, and thankfully, left when I threatened to call police, but I remember realizing that day that ex friend had showed many signs of being capable of doing that before, I just had been too soft hearted and wanted to ensure he wasn't too isolated socially to accept those signs, and I still carry some guilt knowing anyone could have been hurt at that party, it would have only taken him getting a bit angrier to do something drastic, etc. Some people have dark violent urges, but you cannot fix this man. You are not safe and as others have said, he is clearly enjoying your fear, or he would stop. Leave. I rarely say this let alone never tell people that will nilly. If this is how you say, this is not your party, this is not something you can fix without being dragged down too, and it's incredibly dangerous to wait for if/until he is too irrational to not cause you physical harm the next time.
The issue is something that comes as a side effect of continuing education into college/university. When you're still in school, you're kinda putting off entering the “real world” where you're consistently treated as an adult. That's not to say that in a way that should be construed as “college bad”, but it is the reality. Many college students online in dorms, or in a similar situation and still have a pretty strong lifeline through their parents or school.
I like to call this phenomenon 'extended adolescence', and it leads to romantic partners not having enough life experience to properly dislodge from their own limited perspective to be empathetic to their partners. They're concerned more about what benefits them in the moment, and results in their behavior mimicking that of teenagers. After college, it typically takes a few years of those lifelines being severed for them to be responsible people.
Also, many parents (inadvertently for the most part) will send their HS graduates to college as a form of young adult daycare so they can get their own lives resumed. This means that a lot of those students didn't really enter college with any reasons beyond “well it's what my parents/society taught me I should be doing” and they (typically) haven't had enough tough times to forge them into decent people.
TL DR; People in their early 20's are exhibiting the dating behavior of high schoolers because they haven't needed to grow up yet.
Im not really sure what the “ick” even means.Just keep in mind no relationship is going to be perfect and you cant expect it to be. So just decide if its a dealbreaker or something you can tolerate. I find that people that put the effort in for me and the relationship are def worth saving even having to deal with a few annoyances. Kind/good hearted people are worth their weight in gold in todays dating climate. I find that when people think they just want to upgrade they find people that are way worse than if they would have simply compromised a little. Now someone that regularly disrespects me isnt something id be willing to tolerate so it all depends on their actions good and bad.
Damn, my parents weren't making doctor money and always paid for my girlfriend or my sister's boyfriend to go on vacations. They would never invite someone and then ask for money for ANYTHING. I don't make a ton of money and have always laid for everything for my SOs. This situations makes ME mad. What a dick.
It was a YEAR ago and she probably accidentally dialed his number. I still have my ex's number in my phone and I've almost accidentally dialed it while drunk because his name is right under my dad's contact in my phone. She's better off without you dude.
Not everyone can be that assertive in an uncomfortable situation where somebody is forcing themselves on them. If your partner doesn't seem enthusiastic AT ALL about you initiating something sexual but doesn't say no, do you continue?
Can you bring her into one of your doctor's appointments with you to talk to your doctor? Perhaps they could explain to her the severity of what's going on. I'm not sure if that would help, but she is very clearly in denial of your situation. It's not right she's putting it on you, but she's having a lot of trouble accepting that her child's life is forever different and it might help to hear it directly from a medical professional.
You could also bring her into therapy one week so you two can talk with your therapist to mediate the conversation.
define guys that's “out of youre league”. How old are you and where have you been? have you travelled etc… there's ~4 billion guys out there….surely you can find one for you…the odds are in your favour.
He probably threw up bc he felt bad he got caught not bc he felt remorseful. Any decent person wouldn't take a picture without permission during an intimate moment. And him pressuring you for sex is a much bigger red flag than you think. You yourself said he's manipulative, I don't think you can teach someone how to be a decent human being, he either is or isn't one and adhd has nothing to do with it. I know this because I do have adhd and am medicated and in general lots of good men would NOT have done the things he did
Hey thanks a lot for your insight. From what I know of the friends gf's they seem extroverted and their jobs don't go beyond 9-5. For myself, I work after 5 and on weekends so its hard to find time for myself. This was something my bf was understanding of at the outset of our relationship but i'm now wondering if that was moreso in theory and less so in practice?
Thanks a lot for the advice will have a convo with him
OP, I relate to some of this, and while my partner and I aren’t out of the woods yet with childrearing (have 4F and 1.6M kids), you have a newborn and the second child REALLY changes your relationship. Like honestly having 1 child feels more similar to being childless because you can actually have some time to yourself.
I do believe parents when they say things get better, and I believe the same for you. With us it’s still pretty hectic but it’s gotten better over the past year.
I highly encourage marriage therapy. We saw a therapist before our 2nd was born, but after that I felt like we were really getting deep into the real issues even if we were fighting. It’s much harder to connect as a couple, but through therapy we are finding our way through and making progress.
My partner and I are hard on ourselves, and then when things get stressful (ie with two kids just about every day), we’re nude on each other. At least we used to be. So I urge you to be compassionate towards each other and on your own selves. Get a therapist, hang in there and good luck.
I appreciate your comment. I especially am thinking about you saying that it’s possibly not low libido really. But if the sex is painful, I don’t see how I can enjoy it. The thing is, the guy I’m talking to now says his pleasure comes from pleasing others so I feel like I’m I a pickle lol
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My boyfriend (32M) and I (22F) were having a discussion about the possibility of having children in the future. During the course of that conversation he jokingly said that my genetics aren't ideal because I am 5' 2″ and have brown eyes.
He's 6' 4″ and wants tall children, and apparently my height would get in the way of that. Though he said these things jokingly, so I'm not sure how important they actually are to him.
Yes, I am in actual emotional pain because of the way my boyfriend's behavior with the inflatable rubber chicken makes me feel. It's not just about the chicken itself, it's about the fact that it seems to be more important to him than our relationship. It's about the way he prioritizes the chicken over me and the way it makes me feel rejected and unimportant. It's not about being jealous of a rubber chicken, it's about feeling like I'm not as important to my partner as a silly inflatable toy. It's a symbol of something deeper that is causing me pain and causing issues in our relationship.
One of the most important things I had to learn about mental health and trauma is that you can’t take it out on other people. I have severe anxiety and insecurity issues that flare up, and they do get in the way of my relationship from time to time, but what keeps it together is acknowledging when I’ve done something wrong to him. If I have an anxiety attack and shut him out, I apologize later. If an off handed, funny comment kind of sets me into a mini spiral, I apologize for it as soon as it’s over. It’s not easy to do, and it’s taken a lot of therapy for me to get into a comfortable spot with it, but it’s necessary if you want any relationship in your life to work.
You have a really big overreaction to jokes, and that’s going to get you in trouble if you don’t do something about it. I’d highly recommend searching for a therapist again and sticking with it. Maybe try one of the teletherapy sites to help you find someone.
You need therapy to dissect your issues and anxiety from your parents marriage. It was obviously a joke. One that any couple would laugh about. If your husband saying something even slightly negative towards you gets results like this, you need help
Wow you read a lot of nonsense into my suggestion.
My original suggestion was that he make a kind and low key request to his sister to store a meaningful keepsake she gave him.
That is not a “big production” or “rejection of her gift”
In response to a suggestion that my approach was somehow deeply offensive because the sister would know he didn’t want it, I then suggested that if she’s that sensitive his only option would be to lose the item in a way that doesn’t look like he disposed of it. That’s not disrespectful, it’s respectful of her feelings while giving OP an out to get rid of a gift he does not want.
Regards the space issue, read the post. OP states he does not have the space to even put it in a closet. That is effectively no space for the item.
Finally, there are two parties here that deserve respect. The gift giver and the gift recipient. Gifts are freely given, meaning the recipient has no obligation to the giver. If the sister actually respects her brother then she would accept (note that I am not saying she would like it or be happy) that he doesn’t value the gift in the same way she does.
That brings us back to the original suggestion, since she values the blanket more, letting her safeguard it until such time as he can keep it is highly respectful of his sister.
All I see in your response is a lot of projection and very little in the way of critical reading or reflection.
To echo what everyone else is saying, you or what you shared is not the problem here. Your insecure, abusive boyfriend is. It’s great that you want to be open with your partner and I’m sorry that you didn’t get the acceptance and safety you deserve. Definitely get ride of this loser and find someone who embraces you and your experiences fully just as you are.
It’s legally frowned on because it is literally deceit and trying to illegally stop someone getting what their entitled to. It’s ethically and morally a bad decision. I feel v sorry for the woman you’ve come on the internet to try to get a plan to lie to.
Yes you are being selfish. You’re staying in a relationship with someone that you have no romantic feelings for just because you’re scared you might not find someone else. It’s not fair to him and it’s also not fair to yourself. You’re wasting both of your time by lying to him and you both deserve to find someone that can give you what you want. You need to end it.
Ask yourself this: can you honestly imagine spending the rest of your life feeling the way you do now, stuck in a relationship with a friend?
Relationships are about making concessions in both directions. You have to weigh your level of catphobia against their level of catophilia. You sound like a loving person and my guess is you’d end up loving a cat despite your hesitation. However, they will destroy furniture, couches, etc. They tend to be nocturnal and could disrupt sleep. You can have a designated cat-free room , though they are clever and can get around things like doorknobs if persistent, though latches are trickier. I’d allow a cat outside in order to let them roam free and let out their energy. I’d do this knowing the potential dangers.
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tell him you'll get the cops to advise you if it was or not.
Not a good idea to threaten a physically violent person and give them a heads up that you would seek help if they abuse you again. This could cause him to escalate.
How does she not know tho? You said stop like a bunch of different ways. She’s presenting her actions as teehee I’m so cute and having innocent fun however what she’s doing is justifying her abuse and justifying her psychopathy in enjoying your pain by playing cute, dumb and innocent. She really lacks empathy.
In society it is generally more acceptable for men to have sex more and multiple partners unfortunately. Anyway, if you are in a monogamous relationship and he doesn't want you to have sex with anyone else, then you'll have to do. Work on spicing things up with him. Do you masturbate?
It's not my preferences it's human nature. You can't help who you love or what you identify as but you can choose to keep it in your pants.
How is it self-righteous and self-centered to be against something harmful? There's no such thing as “ethical non monogamy” someone eventually gets hurt. I'm also against meth if that repulses you. I've seen that ruin lives too.
It’s not too soon. Also since you two are still living together & keeping the split kind of hushed it’s reasonable for that friend to think you’re stepping out on the relationship.
You don't need to phrase anything. You just don't say it at all. You're still looking for ways to tell people they're wrong. Sometimes it's not worth bothering to tell them, just let it go.
Wow thats a long list. Most people would have run from a relationship with only a few of your points of resentment. Stop wasting your life with him. You have wasted enough time already.
This is entirely about the inappropriateness of the BF's joke, not about OP's parents coming to some realization about tops and bottoms. OP is overthinking this to get past the fact his BF is an idiot.
OP, this is what concerned parents do when they are processing something like meeting your BF who turns out to be a douche. They get distant while they sort it. Be prepared for an intervention soon. And not about your being gay, top, bottom, etc.
That’s a different scenario, he was a lot younger than you. And one year at that age makes a HUGE difference. 2 years in the mid to late 20ies not so much.
OK, if your BF knows that you overthink and have “anxious attachment” I can actually understand him wanting to avoid you seeing anything on his phone that may be perfectly innocent but that he feels you may feel threatened by because of your tendencies. He may just be conscious of wanting to keep-the-peace and avoid drama. I have found in the past that overthinking can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’re so convinced of something being wrong, something will go wrong. Work on feeling more secure in your own skin. Realize that you deserve his love and his loyalty and, if he fails, that is due to his flaw, not yours. I think everything is OK. And, even if it’s not, you’re going to be fine.❤️
It's your “child support” dude. The real father is a deadbeat so you have to foot that bill, literally. Stop dating gold diggers. Your kids will thank you
This man needs the force of indifference to hit him hard upside the head. He gets off on your obsession with him. These girls get all the attention bc they probably don't chase after him. He gets gets a thrill from the chase and you're already caught. Set yourself free and gray rock the f out of him.
unless everything is about him he tends to get angry
This is WHO HE IS. It's not going to get better. He's not going to change. Unless you want to waste more of your life with a self-centered, emotionally immature, verbally abusive guy, you need to break up with him.
Tell him you've done the math, and determined that the only one devaluing you is him. Therefore, you've decided to remove him from both your life and vagina. Then find someone who has a healthier view of female sexuality and doesn't dehumanize you. For real. His perspective is absolute trash, and you shouldn't entertain it even for a second.
Well that was your first mistake. Dont date someone who dumps their partner for you or is fresh out of a committed or turbulent relationship. They need time to get their shit straight. Whats happening is that she got used to be treated poorly. Even though she logically knows its not right, the big emotions and drama is how she perceives “passion”. She has low self esteem and doesnt believe that she deserves to be treated well. She's not ready for a relationship. If I were you, I'd save myself the hassle, gently tell her to go to therapy and leave.
If you pity her, then it's probably time to break up. Pity in a relationship is another name for contempt. A relationship cannot survive contempt.
I suggest paying some attention to what your gut says. Sit quietly, and imagine ten years from now. You are not with her, and haven't seen her for years. Does that thought fill you with grief and loss, or with relief?
No, OP is not obligated to be excited about a pregnancy with a partner with whom he’s had a six month rocky relationship. THEY had talked about what would happen if they got pregnant and she had agreed to wanting an abortion at this time. She changed her mind and is excited – and so he’s supposed to just get on board? NO. FUCK NO.
I think OP did everything he could to support her, above and beyond what I would expect of him. I would be posed (if I were him) that she has so quickly reversed positions. This is a SIX MONTH relationship that hasn’t even been stable. These people are not financially stable, don’t have a good foundation to their relationship, and don’t even live together. They shouldn’t be bringing a baby into this world.
So please, stop giving out shitty advice about how OP should just “fall in line” since his gf for pregnant. No, she should start using her brain…. because she’s the one who’s probably going to bring a baby into an unstable environment.
You should dump him asap. He is being abusive and I honestly think he was trying to trigger your Ed by forcing you to get on the scale. He's seriously trash Hun.
This is… such an extreme overreaction/dramatization for no reason. Your boyfriend does not “cuddle with the dog” while you two have sex. His very small dog was in the bed undetected. Is it weird to have your pet in the room while this goes on? Maybe. But you worded this like your boyfriend was actively participating in being affectionate with his dog while he was also inside of you. Please relax.
You say your impatient but with the type of issues he has to unpack in therapy that could be years before any long lasting real results happen as far as his anger management/coping skills. Healing from deep childhood trauma is not linear and not fast. Outside of setting clear cut boundaries and sticking to them you have to ask yourself if you wanna go down this road with him, and realize because he’s doing this for you/your relationship if you do decide you can’t handle it that potential progression he makes could be reversed and then blamed directly on you from his perspective because he’s using your relationship as the sole reason he needs to change. I feel like it’s best if you two have a talk about boundaries along with letting him know that if he wants to heal, it has to be for him and his quality of life/mental health.
Please head the advice you're being given here. Your situation sounds very serious.
Emotional abuse and manipulation is like a frog in boiling water. If you out the frog in a pot of water and slowly raise the temperature, it doesn't feel it. It doesn't know it's being boiled alive until it's too late. I know this because I've lived it. By the time you realize how bad things are you're in such a state of mindfuck that you don't know what to do, don't want to believe it's really that bad.
Please look out for yourself and your child. And do not let him see this post.
Stay safe, update if you can. I'll be thinking of you
You are only 20 years old and barely know this man. Do you want to be with someone who will be controlling and financially abusive for your entire marriage? Please get out now. This man is awful.
“Normally I find this stuff funny but he’s always made me feel like I’m different…”
Well, you were warned and you actually laughed when he talked about other women like that. Shouldn't surprise you that a misogynist treats you with misogyny. Breakup with him, and next time you here a guy talk about women like that, run.
If you have wildly differing political views, I don't see how this will work.
Based on what I have personally experienced and observed, people who are Conservative/Right-Leaning (more specifically, far-right) tend to be very “traditional”. They like the “Status Quo” and are against anything that challenges that. Those people are also fixed-mindset types. They aren't interested in learning about the experiences of others, and lack empathy & understanding and their views don't change.
That is the antithesis of everything that I believe in, and personally, I don't have anything to do with them.
However, I have also met people who are right leaning, but more moderate in their views. They have a slightly more “growth” mindset, they are more understanding and tolerant, and are prepared to lend their support to what might be considered “progressive” causes. I tend to tolerate those people in small doses, but I don't let them too close.
If you aren't prepared to throw away the relationship just yet, it might be worthwhile exploring just how different your views are, and working out if in general he is someone who has a fixed or growth mindset. If it turns out that he is someone who is a “moderate conservative” (I guess you could call it), has a growth mindset and is prepared to online and let live, then this might work.
I’m not looking for any validation just looking for answers. I’ve been half out the door for awhile. I just want to know if he’s cheating or not or if others thinks he’s likely cheating or not or if it’s just me.
There are many routes you can take. Some should be obvious, like leaving the job or reporting harassment to superior, which you should only do when you ready to be kicked out of the job anyway.
If you want to stay I would embrace the label you are given. Be silent whenever she is present, tell only what you must and make your defense as curt as possible. Are you ignoring, why yes because she is harassing and lying about you. Refuse to elaborate while she is present. Yes, you are ignoring her so they have to deal with it. You should also show with everything except words thst you do not care about all this drama. Disintrested look on your face, shrugs and simply walking past her accusations. In essence doing your best to both deny her satisfactions of making you suffer, and showing openly you do not have to care what she thinks about you.
Jokes aside, do not marry him. It will only get worse when you are married and living together. He might rob you of all your autonomy just becausw he doesnt like things. Please treasure your freedom, especially the freedom of your body, but also of your mind and your art!
I think he’s just not putting it all together. Some guys are kinda brain dead until you lay it all out for them and be a little more blunt with your feelings.
Exactly just because you’re not physically cheating doesn’t mean you get to act inappropriately and then be pissed when your gf/bf comes to the conclusion you may be when your actions are shady af.
Does he answer the calls? If he's not answering, that's a good sign. If he is answering, he is the problem not her.
you can make new friends. you’ll find a new girlfriend. her dad was a person in this world. with his own connections and people and friends. now he’s gone forever and all of those people are affected. this is bigger than just your relationship. you’ll get over that stuff. this guy is gone forever. it doesn’t matter the circumstances at all. it doesn’t matter how your ex hurt you at all. this isn’t about you and you should not be happy about a man dying. i suggest some therapy man
I had to talk to a friend about flicking lighters too close to my face once. I had another “friend” now exfriend show up to a party I was hosting because he couldn't wait to fire his rifle out over the lake we were staying on. Both instances, I wanted to give these friends the benefit of the doubt and told them what they were doing was dangerous, inappropriate, and they need to stop/take their rifle home or there will be no further contact. Lighter friend listened, realized I was scared of my hair catching fire, and apologized saying he never thought about how lighters could be scarier so close if you have longer hair, and has never done so ever again near me. Rifle guy is now an ex friend because he insisted on shooting his gun anyways a few minutes after I saw the gun and told him no. When another guy confronted him about this, he started swinging the “unloaded” gun around, and thankfully, left when I threatened to call police, but I remember realizing that day that ex friend had showed many signs of being capable of doing that before, I just had been too soft hearted and wanted to ensure he wasn't too isolated socially to accept those signs, and I still carry some guilt knowing anyone could have been hurt at that party, it would have only taken him getting a bit angrier to do something drastic, etc. Some people have dark violent urges, but you cannot fix this man. You are not safe and as others have said, he is clearly enjoying your fear, or he would stop. Leave. I rarely say this let alone never tell people that will nilly. If this is how you say, this is not your party, this is not something you can fix without being dragged down too, and it's incredibly dangerous to wait for if/until he is too irrational to not cause you physical harm the next time.
The issue is something that comes as a side effect of continuing education into college/university. When you're still in school, you're kinda putting off entering the “real world” where you're consistently treated as an adult. That's not to say that in a way that should be construed as “college bad”, but it is the reality. Many college students online in dorms, or in a similar situation and still have a pretty strong lifeline through their parents or school.
I like to call this phenomenon 'extended adolescence', and it leads to romantic partners not having enough life experience to properly dislodge from their own limited perspective to be empathetic to their partners. They're concerned more about what benefits them in the moment, and results in their behavior mimicking that of teenagers. After college, it typically takes a few years of those lifelines being severed for them to be responsible people.
Also, many parents (inadvertently for the most part) will send their HS graduates to college as a form of young adult daycare so they can get their own lives resumed. This means that a lot of those students didn't really enter college with any reasons beyond “well it's what my parents/society taught me I should be doing” and they (typically) haven't had enough tough times to forge them into decent people.
TL DR; People in their early 20's are exhibiting the dating behavior of high schoolers because they haven't needed to grow up yet.
Again. Totally not the situation due to his whole life changing
I stopped reading when I got to the age gap.
Woah wtf girl that person old enough to be your dad or granddad
There are more red flags in this post than there are words.
I wouldn't even know where to start trying to move past any of what was said and done
Unless you can be specific about exactly what things they said that are racist or antisemitic, then yes…you are brainwashed.
It was a joke, honey
You could start by not emotionally cheating on your gf.
Im not really sure what the “ick” even means.Just keep in mind no relationship is going to be perfect and you cant expect it to be. So just decide if its a dealbreaker or something you can tolerate. I find that people that put the effort in for me and the relationship are def worth saving even having to deal with a few annoyances. Kind/good hearted people are worth their weight in gold in todays dating climate. I find that when people think they just want to upgrade they find people that are way worse than if they would have simply compromised a little. Now someone that regularly disrespects me isnt something id be willing to tolerate so it all depends on their actions good and bad.
Damn, my parents weren't making doctor money and always paid for my girlfriend or my sister's boyfriend to go on vacations. They would never invite someone and then ask for money for ANYTHING. I don't make a ton of money and have always laid for everything for my SOs. This situations makes ME mad. What a dick.
I didnt know, thank you!
If it’s for his family – he should foot the bill. Period. And it’s also an asshole thing to spring it on you last minute.
I would also maybe go over your financial goals before legally attached yourself to this guy.
It was a YEAR ago and she probably accidentally dialed his number. I still have my ex's number in my phone and I've almost accidentally dialed it while drunk because his name is right under my dad's contact in my phone. She's better off without you dude.
Not everyone can be that assertive in an uncomfortable situation where somebody is forcing themselves on them. If your partner doesn't seem enthusiastic AT ALL about you initiating something sexual but doesn't say no, do you continue?
This is the answer
So you could say she’s your…Gone Girl.
Can you bring her into one of your doctor's appointments with you to talk to your doctor? Perhaps they could explain to her the severity of what's going on. I'm not sure if that would help, but she is very clearly in denial of your situation. It's not right she's putting it on you, but she's having a lot of trouble accepting that her child's life is forever different and it might help to hear it directly from a medical professional.
You could also bring her into therapy one week so you two can talk with your therapist to mediate the conversation.
Why would you date a man who does not respect you or women? Gross. You are a HIGH value individual.
Damn that’s deep.
A lot of people are saying to see a doctor, but it might also be a good idea to contact a sex therapist as well in case it's a mental block issue.
define guys that's “out of youre league”. How old are you and where have you been? have you travelled etc… there's ~4 billion guys out there….surely you can find one for you…the odds are in your favour.
10 months and already married , wtf?
Sounds like she is immature and entitled, and you have probably outgrown her
He probably threw up bc he felt bad he got caught not bc he felt remorseful. Any decent person wouldn't take a picture without permission during an intimate moment. And him pressuring you for sex is a much bigger red flag than you think. You yourself said he's manipulative, I don't think you can teach someone how to be a decent human being, he either is or isn't one and adhd has nothing to do with it. I know this because I do have adhd and am medicated and in general lots of good men would NOT have done the things he did
Hey thanks a lot for your insight. From what I know of the friends gf's they seem extroverted and their jobs don't go beyond 9-5. For myself, I work after 5 and on weekends so its hard to find time for myself. This was something my bf was understanding of at the outset of our relationship but i'm now wondering if that was moreso in theory and less so in practice?
Thanks a lot for the advice will have a convo with him
Im going with the wife being suspicious of you, and rightfully so.
That’s a big true brother
not trying to be passive aggressive just no longer want to engage with you, you’re entitled to your opinions
Let him connect his card to apple, Samsung or Google pay. That way both of them have access to his cards
OP, I relate to some of this, and while my partner and I aren’t out of the woods yet with childrearing (have 4F and 1.6M kids), you have a newborn and the second child REALLY changes your relationship. Like honestly having 1 child feels more similar to being childless because you can actually have some time to yourself.
I do believe parents when they say things get better, and I believe the same for you. With us it’s still pretty hectic but it’s gotten better over the past year.
I highly encourage marriage therapy. We saw a therapist before our 2nd was born, but after that I felt like we were really getting deep into the real issues even if we were fighting. It’s much harder to connect as a couple, but through therapy we are finding our way through and making progress.
My partner and I are hard on ourselves, and then when things get stressful (ie with two kids just about every day), we’re nude on each other. At least we used to be. So I urge you to be compassionate towards each other and on your own selves. Get a therapist, hang in there and good luck.
I appreciate your comment. I especially am thinking about you saying that it’s possibly not low libido really. But if the sex is painful, I don’t see how I can enjoy it. The thing is, the guy I’m talking to now says his pleasure comes from pleasing others so I feel like I’m I a pickle lol
Lay off the whiskey
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My boyfriend (32M) and I (22F) were having a discussion about the possibility of having children in the future. During the course of that conversation he jokingly said that my genetics aren't ideal because I am 5' 2″ and have brown eyes.
He's 6' 4″ and wants tall children, and apparently my height would get in the way of that. Though he said these things jokingly, so I'm not sure how important they actually are to him.
What does this mean? Any advice is appreciated.
Yes, I am in actual emotional pain because of the way my boyfriend's behavior with the inflatable rubber chicken makes me feel. It's not just about the chicken itself, it's about the fact that it seems to be more important to him than our relationship. It's about the way he prioritizes the chicken over me and the way it makes me feel rejected and unimportant. It's not about being jealous of a rubber chicken, it's about feeling like I'm not as important to my partner as a silly inflatable toy. It's a symbol of something deeper that is causing me pain and causing issues in our relationship.
One of the most important things I had to learn about mental health and trauma is that you can’t take it out on other people. I have severe anxiety and insecurity issues that flare up, and they do get in the way of my relationship from time to time, but what keeps it together is acknowledging when I’ve done something wrong to him. If I have an anxiety attack and shut him out, I apologize later. If an off handed, funny comment kind of sets me into a mini spiral, I apologize for it as soon as it’s over. It’s not easy to do, and it’s taken a lot of therapy for me to get into a comfortable spot with it, but it’s necessary if you want any relationship in your life to work.
You have a really big overreaction to jokes, and that’s going to get you in trouble if you don’t do something about it. I’d highly recommend searching for a therapist again and sticking with it. Maybe try one of the teletherapy sites to help you find someone.
You need therapy to dissect your issues and anxiety from your parents marriage. It was obviously a joke. One that any couple would laugh about. If your husband saying something even slightly negative towards you gets results like this, you need help
Wow you read a lot of nonsense into my suggestion.
My original suggestion was that he make a kind and low key request to his sister to store a meaningful keepsake she gave him.
That is not a “big production” or “rejection of her gift”
In response to a suggestion that my approach was somehow deeply offensive because the sister would know he didn’t want it, I then suggested that if she’s that sensitive his only option would be to lose the item in a way that doesn’t look like he disposed of it. That’s not disrespectful, it’s respectful of her feelings while giving OP an out to get rid of a gift he does not want.
Regards the space issue, read the post. OP states he does not have the space to even put it in a closet. That is effectively no space for the item.
Finally, there are two parties here that deserve respect. The gift giver and the gift recipient. Gifts are freely given, meaning the recipient has no obligation to the giver. If the sister actually respects her brother then she would accept (note that I am not saying she would like it or be happy) that he doesn’t value the gift in the same way she does.
That brings us back to the original suggestion, since she values the blanket more, letting her safeguard it until such time as he can keep it is highly respectful of his sister.
All I see in your response is a lot of projection and very little in the way of critical reading or reflection.
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG
Leave him though. He’ll destroy you if you let him
To echo what everyone else is saying, you or what you shared is not the problem here. Your insecure, abusive boyfriend is. It’s great that you want to be open with your partner and I’m sorry that you didn’t get the acceptance and safety you deserve. Definitely get ride of this loser and find someone who embraces you and your experiences fully just as you are.
PEOPLE FART!
Tell him to get over himself.
Maybe it is but for the many people out there who have no clue what actual grooming looks like it's a great reference point.
He is wealthy. You are not wealthy.
Your husband sounds like he may have a preference for men.
It’s legally frowned on because it is literally deceit and trying to illegally stop someone getting what their entitled to. It’s ethically and morally a bad decision. I feel v sorry for the woman you’ve come on the internet to try to get a plan to lie to.
Yes you are being selfish. You’re staying in a relationship with someone that you have no romantic feelings for just because you’re scared you might not find someone else. It’s not fair to him and it’s also not fair to yourself. You’re wasting both of your time by lying to him and you both deserve to find someone that can give you what you want. You need to end it.
Ask yourself this: can you honestly imagine spending the rest of your life feeling the way you do now, stuck in a relationship with a friend?
Sorry for the typos
Good luck and by moving on it shows you value yourself and she might have a small chance at begging for you back. Its small though.
Relationships are about making concessions in both directions. You have to weigh your level of catphobia against their level of catophilia. You sound like a loving person and my guess is you’d end up loving a cat despite your hesitation. However, they will destroy furniture, couches, etc. They tend to be nocturnal and could disrupt sleep. You can have a designated cat-free room , though they are clever and can get around things like doorknobs if persistent, though latches are trickier. I’d allow a cat outside in order to let them roam free and let out their energy. I’d do this knowing the potential dangers.
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Bit of a red flag wanting to execute people
tell him you'll get the cops to advise you if it was or not.
Not a good idea to threaten a physically violent person and give them a heads up that you would seek help if they abuse you again. This could cause him to escalate.
Phew, glad you came up with a solid solution!!
How does she not know tho? You said stop like a bunch of different ways. She’s presenting her actions as teehee I’m so cute and having innocent fun however what she’s doing is justifying her abuse and justifying her psychopathy in enjoying your pain by playing cute, dumb and innocent. She really lacks empathy.
In society it is generally more acceptable for men to have sex more and multiple partners unfortunately. Anyway, if you are in a monogamous relationship and he doesn't want you to have sex with anyone else, then you'll have to do. Work on spicing things up with him. Do you masturbate?
???????????????????????????????????????????????????
It's not my preferences it's human nature. You can't help who you love or what you identify as but you can choose to keep it in your pants.
How is it self-righteous and self-centered to be against something harmful? There's no such thing as “ethical non monogamy” someone eventually gets hurt. I'm also against meth if that repulses you. I've seen that ruin lives too.
Y'all, if this is real this girl is going to end up on the news.
A good parent doesn’t try to force their child to choose. Only crap parents do that.
Do you post and/or tag your dad and his ap on social media?
It’s not too soon. Also since you two are still living together & keeping the split kind of hushed it’s reasonable for that friend to think you’re stepping out on the relationship.
Until he understands, fully, what this has done to you, it’ll be very difficult to move forward.
You don't need to phrase anything. You just don't say it at all. You're still looking for ways to tell people they're wrong. Sometimes it's not worth bothering to tell them, just let it go.
I don’t know if they slept together or not. They haven’t came out with that yet.
Wow thats a long list. Most people would have run from a relationship with only a few of your points of resentment. Stop wasting your life with him. You have wasted enough time already.
And usually they are porn addicts who think that the “porn star package” is normal. It is not.
How long did he know her before this and how close were they? It sounds a lot like a grooming situation
Congratulations you’re having an emotional affair.
Your fiancé deserves better.
This is entirely about the inappropriateness of the BF's joke, not about OP's parents coming to some realization about tops and bottoms. OP is overthinking this to get past the fact his BF is an idiot.
OP, this is what concerned parents do when they are processing something like meeting your BF who turns out to be a douche. They get distant while they sort it. Be prepared for an intervention soon. And not about your being gay, top, bottom, etc.
That’s a different scenario, he was a lot younger than you. And one year at that age makes a HUGE difference. 2 years in the mid to late 20ies not so much.
EXACTLY ? ?
OK, if your BF knows that you overthink and have “anxious attachment” I can actually understand him wanting to avoid you seeing anything on his phone that may be perfectly innocent but that he feels you may feel threatened by because of your tendencies. He may just be conscious of wanting to keep-the-peace and avoid drama. I have found in the past that overthinking can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’re so convinced of something being wrong, something will go wrong. Work on feeling more secure in your own skin. Realize that you deserve his love and his loyalty and, if he fails, that is due to his flaw, not yours. I think everything is OK. And, even if it’s not, you’re going to be fine.❤️
It's your “child support” dude. The real father is a deadbeat so you have to foot that bill, literally. Stop dating gold diggers. Your kids will thank you
I did feel that and you are correct. I don't think I should support her children, who are from her ex husband. Who went off and married again!
This man needs the force of indifference to hit him hard upside the head. He gets off on your obsession with him. These girls get all the attention bc they probably don't chase after him. He gets gets a thrill from the chase and you're already caught. Set yourself free and gray rock the f out of him.
you and I seem to have a different understanding of what an “affair” is.
you're telling me a married man supported you emotionally and financially without any sexual reciprocity on either of your ends?
if so, you are a liar as well as a cheat.
unless everything is about him he tends to get angry
This is WHO HE IS. It's not going to get better. He's not going to change. Unless you want to waste more of your life with a self-centered, emotionally immature, verbally abusive guy, you need to break up with him.
He picks out what he wants in advance so he wants to basically know “how much stuff he gets to pick out”. There is basically no fun in it for me lol
Tell him you've done the math, and determined that the only one devaluing you is him. Therefore, you've decided to remove him from both your life and vagina. Then find someone who has a healthier view of female sexuality and doesn't dehumanize you. For real. His perspective is absolute trash, and you shouldn't entertain it even for a second.
but she was into me and dumped him for me.
Well that was your first mistake. Dont date someone who dumps their partner for you or is fresh out of a committed or turbulent relationship. They need time to get their shit straight. Whats happening is that she got used to be treated poorly. Even though she logically knows its not right, the big emotions and drama is how she perceives “passion”. She has low self esteem and doesnt believe that she deserves to be treated well. She's not ready for a relationship. If I were you, I'd save myself the hassle, gently tell her to go to therapy and leave.
Itd affect your validity tho to call her that, kinda sus bro
Yeah, farting in your presence so frequently can certainly have a negative effect on sexual attraction towards that fartface.
Forget the apology; lots of Americans talk about their heritage like that. Matt was being an arse.
If you pity her, then it's probably time to break up. Pity in a relationship is another name for contempt. A relationship cannot survive contempt.
I suggest paying some attention to what your gut says. Sit quietly, and imagine ten years from now. You are not with her, and haven't seen her for years. Does that thought fill you with grief and loss, or with relief?
Leave him and his baby boner to rosy and her 5 friends. He doesn't know how to please anyone but himself! Leave him
This is gross and scary. I feel like he will eventually escalate his behavior because recording will not be enough.
Wow, what a terrible comment.
No, OP is not obligated to be excited about a pregnancy with a partner with whom he’s had a six month rocky relationship. THEY had talked about what would happen if they got pregnant and she had agreed to wanting an abortion at this time. She changed her mind and is excited – and so he’s supposed to just get on board? NO. FUCK NO.
I think OP did everything he could to support her, above and beyond what I would expect of him. I would be posed (if I were him) that she has so quickly reversed positions. This is a SIX MONTH relationship that hasn’t even been stable. These people are not financially stable, don’t have a good foundation to their relationship, and don’t even live together. They shouldn’t be bringing a baby into this world.
So please, stop giving out shitty advice about how OP should just “fall in line” since his gf for pregnant. No, she should start using her brain…. because she’s the one who’s probably going to bring a baby into an unstable environment.
I mean I’m only one side of the story so it’s normal no ?
You should dump him asap. He is being abusive and I honestly think he was trying to trigger your Ed by forcing you to get on the scale. He's seriously trash Hun.
This is… such an extreme overreaction/dramatization for no reason. Your boyfriend does not “cuddle with the dog” while you two have sex. His very small dog was in the bed undetected. Is it weird to have your pet in the room while this goes on? Maybe. But you worded this like your boyfriend was actively participating in being affectionate with his dog while he was also inside of you. Please relax.
You say your impatient but with the type of issues he has to unpack in therapy that could be years before any long lasting real results happen as far as his anger management/coping skills. Healing from deep childhood trauma is not linear and not fast. Outside of setting clear cut boundaries and sticking to them you have to ask yourself if you wanna go down this road with him, and realize because he’s doing this for you/your relationship if you do decide you can’t handle it that potential progression he makes could be reversed and then blamed directly on you from his perspective because he’s using your relationship as the sole reason he needs to change. I feel like it’s best if you two have a talk about boundaries along with letting him know that if he wants to heal, it has to be for him and his quality of life/mental health.
Please head the advice you're being given here. Your situation sounds very serious.
Emotional abuse and manipulation is like a frog in boiling water. If you out the frog in a pot of water and slowly raise the temperature, it doesn't feel it. It doesn't know it's being boiled alive until it's too late. I know this because I've lived it. By the time you realize how bad things are you're in such a state of mindfuck that you don't know what to do, don't want to believe it's really that bad.
Please look out for yourself and your child. And do not let him see this post.
Stay safe, update if you can. I'll be thinking of you
You are only 20 years old and barely know this man. Do you want to be with someone who will be controlling and financially abusive for your entire marriage? Please get out now. This man is awful.
“Normally I find this stuff funny but he’s always made me feel like I’m different…”
Well, you were warned and you actually laughed when he talked about other women like that. Shouldn't surprise you that a misogynist treats you with misogyny. Breakup with him, and next time you here a guy talk about women like that, run.
If you have wildly differing political views, I don't see how this will work.
Based on what I have personally experienced and observed, people who are Conservative/Right-Leaning (more specifically, far-right) tend to be very “traditional”. They like the “Status Quo” and are against anything that challenges that. Those people are also fixed-mindset types. They aren't interested in learning about the experiences of others, and lack empathy & understanding and their views don't change.
That is the antithesis of everything that I believe in, and personally, I don't have anything to do with them.
However, I have also met people who are right leaning, but more moderate in their views. They have a slightly more “growth” mindset, they are more understanding and tolerant, and are prepared to lend their support to what might be considered “progressive” causes. I tend to tolerate those people in small doses, but I don't let them too close.
If you aren't prepared to throw away the relationship just yet, it might be worthwhile exploring just how different your views are, and working out if in general he is someone who has a fixed or growth mindset. If it turns out that he is someone who is a “moderate conservative” (I guess you could call it), has a growth mindset and is prepared to online and let live, then this might work.
I’m not looking for any validation just looking for answers. I’ve been half out the door for awhile. I just want to know if he’s cheating or not or if others thinks he’s likely cheating or not or if it’s just me.
There are many routes you can take. Some should be obvious, like leaving the job or reporting harassment to superior, which you should only do when you ready to be kicked out of the job anyway.
If you want to stay I would embrace the label you are given. Be silent whenever she is present, tell only what you must and make your defense as curt as possible. Are you ignoring, why yes because she is harassing and lying about you. Refuse to elaborate while she is present. Yes, you are ignoring her so they have to deal with it. You should also show with everything except words thst you do not care about all this drama. Disintrested look on your face, shrugs and simply walking past her accusations. In essence doing your best to both deny her satisfactions of making you suffer, and showing openly you do not have to care what she thinks about you.
Emergency! Abort mission, I said abort mission!
Jokes aside, do not marry him. It will only get worse when you are married and living together. He might rob you of all your autonomy just becausw he doesnt like things. Please treasure your freedom, especially the freedom of your body, but also of your mind and your art!
You’re in the process of breaking up with her, you likely won’t ever get the truth just cut your losses and leave so you can find better.
I think he’s just not putting it all together. Some guys are kinda brain dead until you lay it all out for them and be a little more blunt with your feelings.
Exactly just because you’re not physically cheating doesn’t mean you get to act inappropriately and then be pissed when your gf/bf comes to the conclusion you may be when your actions are shady af.
U need to have a discussion about boundaries now. Or else this will be a dealbreaker in the future.