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Kira, 18 y.o.
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Date: October 23, 2022
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Sounds like my ex who tried to comfort me with “I cheated on you the least of any woman I’ve been with.” Cool! Still breaking up with you!
You deserve better. Leave him to be gross on his own.
This stuff is so freaking difficult. I'm sorry you both are going through it, and I wish I had more or better advice to give you. I suppose the good news is that ED meds are super easy to get these days, in theory. It's easy to get a prescription if, as a guy, you're willing to admit your problem to a doctor. They'll give you a prescription, but then the meds themselves aren't super cheap even though the patents have all run out and generics are available.
I can't imagine how devastating this must be for your BF. I'm 50 now and have only been dealing with it for a few years, and this confirmation that I might not be eternally young hit me HOT. I guy can have a lot wrapped up in his virility because society tends to hold out the “can't get it up” trope as the penultimate example of male weakness and failure (right behind not having a porn-star penis to begin with). You work hard to reach a position in life, and then the stress from that position takes you out at the knees. Then, once it's an issue, it's in your head, and like a lot of things, thinking about it makes it worse.
So there's that whole thing. Then there's the massive conflict about what a lot of guys (myself included) NEED, emotionally from sex and what society tells women that they're allowed to think/feel/enjoy/dislike about sex. Speaking solely for myself, I need to feel wanted. Desired. That means I need my wife to initiate sometimes. I need to know that, after 25 years, she still chooses to be with me. That it's something she seeks out because she wants it, not because I'm pestering her and that it's the easiest way to shut me up or to just “appease” me. Like you, though, my wife has very traditional values (me too, but notably excluding my thoughts about how wanton and debauched I'd love my wife to feel towards me, selfishly) and is very uncomfortable initiating. Enjoying sex with her husband too much would make her a bad person, apparently.
At least, that's the balm to my self-esteem I can use. The real truth is that she simply doesn't LIKE sex as much as I do. And that's soul-crushing. Knowing that does not help the ED situation. It's very hot to feel all sexy when, in the back of your mind, you know (or strongly suspect) that “she's just not that into you.” Or just not in that way, right? Being unintentionally friend-zoned by your S.O. hurts. Especially when they don't see what they're telling you as doing the same thing.
Being FIRMLY in the camp of never-ever-ever pressuring anyone into sex no matter what, it makes having a healthy sexual relationship next to impossible.
Sometimes, there's just an imbalance. Some people just aren't really sexually compatible despite being great together in EVERY OTHER aspect. It's better to figure that out sooner rather than later because I can tell you that no one wins if those relationships continue forward. It'll eventuality end with someone in tears and bitter.
Maybe you two can figure it out. I hope so. The fact that you're aware of it this early on is a good sign. Wish I knew where to term you to go from there.
Good luck.
Honestly, even if you do a paternity test and it is your kid will you be able to overlook the circumstances surrounding conception? Thinking this child is a rape baby then finding out it's not may only be slightly relieving. You would still be inundated with the thoughts that this man violated your wife and your baby and while that's not their fault, it's something you have to deal with. This is an impossible situation.
Someone out there will love this child unconditionally, but it's probably not you and your wife.
Go to therapy to process this. Absolutely do not contact your ex. You need to process the series of decisions you made that lead you here so you never do them again.