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Date: October 22, 2022
AmateurPub
I think the best advice I can possibly give you is to keep going to your therapist, talk about this with them, develop a plan with them. Ultimately it’s normal to feel helpless when someone you care about is in pain and it’s outside your control. Speaking as an addict he won’t try to change unless he really hits bottom and wants it for himself. I think it’s best to remind him you’re there if he needs help and to focus on yourself otherwise
This is not something you can change, he is blatantly trying to wear you down. Be done and leave him.
OP are you have if annual exams with your doctor? Breast exams Pap smears? Have you. Prices odors on yourself? Go see a doc or a free clinic. Your Ph could be off or you could have a yeast infection. All of this is common but needs to be checked out by a doctor. Don’t guess you will feel better when you go
I don't know enough to give advice, but I can tell you what it reminds me of. Once I was just starting a relationship with a guy, and I noticed how I needed to talk to him daily, and a weekend with no contact drove me nuts. I felt like he didn't care and I was really hurt.
Some time later (a year? Probably?) I realized – I was NOT ready for a relationship. I started that one so insecure, so desperate for validation, I'm not proud of it. After that relationship ended, I was able to get comfortable on my own, build my confidence back, and eventually start fresh.
Every mistake teaches me something new. From that, I learned the rule “never start a relationship until you feel comfortable alone”
Thank you. I really appreciate your thoughtful inputs. It really helps. For 1) I do not think I am in love. I think I married her because we were together for a long time. We did have one massive fight previously but otherwise pretty stable (no bad “downs”, but no “ups” either). At some point I just accepted that marriage is more stable that way compared to an emotional roller coaster type relationship. I definitely think that one of the biggest regrets I will have in my life is that I did not have the courage to say “no”. I was perhaps also optimistic that she will change after getting married, realizing that we need to work hard to build up a family, but I don't think she has any intentions of doing that.
For 2) We are originally from the same country. But I grew up in Western countries, whereas she grew up there. I definitely see that she has a traditional side, and thinks that its very normal for a woman to stay home and take care of the house (If we had a child, that is very understandable, but we don't). I think in the exact opposite way, and I cook, clean and go grocery shopping so that she doesn't feel like she is trapped doing house work. I really like your advice of making a list and spelling out what we expect from each other (although I think we will ultimately disagree with many things).
I have asked about what she writes about. She tells me its private stuff and doesn't want to tell. I had hoped that we could build a constructive relationship providing feedback to each other so that we can reach our life goals, but it seems like she does not want that kind of engagement. At this point it's really difficult to help, and I'm really losing interest in helping her, and I feel that the meaning of our relationship is evading away quickly. The feeling is closer to a roommate.
I completely agree with your statement “She could work, but right now she’s now(t), so today what she’s doing to address the problem is ensuring you save as much money as possible.”, but I just wish she could spend a little less time doing that and instead work on some activities (let it be live courses, volunteering etc.) that would place her in a an advantageous place when she looks for her next job.
I'm not sure what I am holding onto either. Perhaps the fear of hurting her, imagining her getting emotionally distressed, having to go through the paper work and having a record of a divorce, and change of everyday life? I'll take your advice and go find a therapist.
I could never do this with my ex, towards my current partner. Keeping someone around that you had very vulnerable and intimate moments with is so disrespectful. I loved my ex dearly, but he also dated someone else after me, told her we were just friends and I had no idea how serious they were and him and I were still hooking up and still very much in love. But he did not have the decency to tell her until after the fact. What you’re boyfriend is doing to you sounds very familiar to what my ex did to that poor girl he had been dating. I’m afraid you’re the other woman in this scenario. As much as I absolutely hate to break it to you. Unless he absolutely does not decide to see her, he’s outright disrespecting you because you already said how you felt about it. Don’t ever ask a person twice. If he’s so tied up in property with her and “stuck” with her, is that something you really want to be stressing about 24/7? Girl, we’re 30, come on. We don’t have time for this. Get some self-respect and leave. (I say that with love) I know it’s going to be hot because the blinders are on, and you have all of these feelings but you’re better off finding a guy who listens to you the first time around. The fact he didn’t even want to hurt her after he’s moved on with his own life? Eww. Red flags all over the place. Leave before you get your heart broken.
Should have left her to the streets where she belongs.