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Date: November 1, 2022
The kid doesnt have adhd.
Go alone, take a lot of pics, eta good food and tell her to go f*ck herself
Cheating?? Nah, what? It’s a joke! Sal, it’s me!!
Why are you surprised your controlling and abusive boyfriend is being…. controlling and abusive?
Why is your self worth so low you thought buying a house with this abusive piece of shit was a smart decision?
Leave before he kills you.
OP, I think you should change your mindset here. You didn't lose anything of value no matter how much money this guy had. He wasn't a good long time choice and your better off without him. In time you will see that, you just need to let time kill your feelings for him.
Stop wondering what other people are doing and comparing yourself, you have nothing to feel ashamed of. Focus on you! Keep your business to yourself about your dating history and zero body count. Are you building muscles, working out 4 or 5 times a week, eating healthy, dressing, and grooming well? What do you have going for yourself? Are you in college? Do you have working skills that pay well? What are your life's goals? Are you in the very hot pursuit of those goals? Are you a serious and confident man? Check those boxes and you'll be fine.
Life is short even if you on-line to be 100. Dude, just know your time will come, you have so many exciting decisions to make and so much positive development ahead. College-educated men are in a big shortage, with 60 women to 40 men on college campuses in my country. Women have outnumbered men in college since 1980. Get your education, take it seriously and hang out with people like that. Make, save and invest your money. Focus on yourself, health is wealth, and physical appearance is a big deal and gets you into many doors because many positive assumptions are made about you. Get that GREAT body while you are young and keep it till the day you die, never let that go.
If you do that, soon a day will come you will be really happy with yourself and you will become your own validation. You will feel whole without outside approval. You won't have to brag, gloss, or desire to be the center of attention and you will feel good, even if you are alone for periods of time. Along the way, good things and women will gravitate to you.
Women like security and a physical beast that will protect them and some excitement, doing fun stuff. Never be a plan B or 2nd choice in a monogamous relationship. Once you see signs that you are not prioritized in her life, move on unless it is FWBs while seeing other women. Don't marry until you are at least 30, personally, I don't think a man is mature until he's 25. Travel and see the world as much as you can. Read a lot of books. At 30 there will be so many options for you if you make good long-term decisions. Keep an open mind while protecting yourself.
Yeah we all know those Instagram photos are real ?
Think of this relationship like a broken teapot, you can patch it up again and it'll work but it will never be the same teapot again.
In my experience it never got better, there was always that lingering feeling at the back of my mind even years after I split up with my ex. It does get better eventually, but staying with the person who caused you that much hurt will stop you from healing.
Call police and fuck the hell out of there. And never talk to him ever again. He could be danger to your life.
Dude… HER MOM IS DYING. You sound incredibly selfish. She's going through a HUGE life change, I can't even stress how huge, it will change the way she looks at the world. And you are just concerned about… YOU…
Billions of people on the planet and you go for each other… Tell your ex asap because hiding it for any longer could make it worse. Good outcome? Everyone is okay with it. Bad outcome? Your new boyfriends family cuts him out for fucking around with his brothers ex, friends and family think badly that you were both so lonely, desperate, etc. that you're using each other, and more stuff like that. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. Just don't dick around and hide it any longer.
I hear you. I think an important thing to remember about boundaries is that they aren't for the other person, they are for you–they tell the person what you will not accept. So I wonder if telling her this? That you do not want to comtinually argue for your needs, basically a lot of what you said here. If be curious how she responds, but that response will help you know what to do next.
It is very normal
Depends on what church you are part of. And even in the Catholic church, where some priests etc were indeed protected, unfortunately, they wouldn’t protect a creep from outside that they are not responsible for.
You need to get an adult involved. No only is it pornography you can get into trouble for having it. She may be in a situation that’s dangerous. ❌❌❌
I will keep trying. Thanks for the advice and the kind words
True
Probably none, to be fair, if she won't kiss him and won't crack over something as simple as sharing food. That all sounds extreme and unhealthily rigid, to be honest. I don't love kissing either, but I do it because it makes my partner happy. That doesn't mean he 'broke my boundaries', just that a relationship requires compromise.
is the kid yours?
I cant imagine living rent free at someones place and having the audacity to give them the cold shoulder for not further altering their lifestyle to accommodate me.
Tell your boyfriend to get some noise canceling headphones and to leave his entitlement at the door.
Thank you!
After a year or two – it gets to “how do I tell them, now?” Each year makes it more difficult. Sunk cost fallacy runs strong in humans.
OP – I 100% agree you should not feel guilty. You can't know what you don't know. You both now have wounds from this. There was another comment with a link for specifically these situations. Depending on each of you, you might be able to stay best friends and change what your relationship with each other. Maybe, you'll need space and time to heal. Maybe, you'll get over this hurt and maybe you'll carry it for a long time – I don't know your personality so I can't guess on that front.
Like many people who finally turn to the internet because things are just so difficult – counseling (still that link because it's people who will understand). You need to get a handle around what you want and what you need at this point. She needs to do the same. Then, you decide together what you're doing with your future. Everyone is different.
I have a good friend who had stayed married to her gay spouse and it's been 20 years, now. They were and are absolutely best friends, but they didn't want to lose to housing and family stability that their marriage had given them. They both date. They set house rules. It's kind of polyamorous – except they aren't romantic with each other.
Another friend can't get beyond it and has no contact with their ex. For their sake, I don't love that it still upsets them so much (they refuse all ideas of counseling). But, it's their choice.
Relationships end and change for a multitude of reasons. This one is not your fault. And, I hope you can see the pain that caused her to make this choice, too. She chose to be with you. It sounds like she genuinely does care for you and love you. I hope that you can work this out in a way that you get to keep your best friend.
No, do not teach them unless they ask. This is a huge turnoff, they are looking for a date not a chess instructor.
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It's true that he is an abuser. Leave him, but there is one more thing that caught my attention. You say you are feeling unwell in your body (I presume physically), and having the same body type, I never felt that. I don't understand exactly why you feel unwell, since it sounds like a perfectly healthy body (ribs slightly showing is not anorexic nor sign of something concerning). This is a genuine question, what makes your body unwell exactly ? Reason I'm interested is because I once wanted to put weight, but it was for aesthetic reasons. I lied that I'm feeling bad and everyone trusted me due to my looks, but in reality I felt great, that is just my body type. But it didn't go as planned because eating more lead to imbalance in my organism and I even developed gastritis and fked up my digestive system. Figured I feel healthiest while maintaining my natural weight, which is not much. If it's not your case, I highly advise you to be extra cautious when starting a weight gaining diet. It involves tons of food and it should be well regulated! And yet again-ditch the boyfriend
Dude needs to learn to use his other appendages better…..
and maybe a class on basic female anatomy….
Use your phone to tape it. She can’t deny it then.
Congratu effing lations on becoming a statistic. Be a grown up and come clean and then face what ever consequences that you oh so rightfully deserve. Allow your husband the autonomy and choice of making an informed decision about his and your childrens future. Ugh
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The only parallel I share with that guy is the lack of experience and relative age. That was what I was specifically asking about.
Absolutely not
But I can't. How do I leave. It's just so difficult. I don't know how to not be with him
Let me ask you this: what positive things does he bring to your life?
All of these are negative, and it feels like he’s trying to break your self-esteem. That’s emotional abuse. This will only get worse.
Dump him and move on.
You get to learn that actions have consequences.
No matter how much you redeem yourself, you are not given a right take back what you did. It's something that's earned over time ONLY if the other person allows it.
Let it go.
Yeah we really don't get a whole lot of these kinds of men on this sub. OP I hope you have many children
I think he has met someone else and he doesn't want to be the bad guy by breaking up with you i think in his mind if he has caused enough issues then you will be the one breaking up.
Because he's said this so many times before, I think it's his depression talking.
And when I go along with it and say okay it's too late he gets irate that I don't argue with him.
Have you guys talked about this, aside from him wanting to?
Communication is really important, especially when it involves something that either partner is uncomfortable with. Talk with him about your feelings and boundaries, then maybe see if there's a compromise he can be happy with (like a butt plug for him, or something like that, I mean there plenty of sex toys that he could use for his own pleasure). I wouldn't advise threesomes, because that ends badly for most people.
My boyfriend was really into anal when we first got together, and not gonna lie, I enjoyed it for awhile. After a few months, I lost interest in it and now (ten years later), it's just a painful experience that I don't enjoy. He knows this and accepts it, never becoming disinterested in the sex just because it doesn't include butt stuffs. Now, occasionally, he will touch my booty with his finger just to see what reaction I'd have, but never does more than a quick touch.
Your mother would also need to reciprocate a deeper level of communications and feelings;that may not be possible. My dad is emotionally abusive and sets me off every time I talk with him, and I have drifted away from him over a few decades and now have short conversations every few months with him. Parental issues can run pretty deep and I would recommend speaking with a therapist about your relationship if you are finding difficulties to communicate. A therapist can help strategize ways of communicating or help you adjust to your relationship. I have worked with therapists over the years to accept my parents approach to how they treat me and worked to adjust my relations to them based on this and how I feel about them.
To be clear, I am not saying your mother is abusive, just using my more extreme situation as an example.
Point well taken.
Are you going to allow your girlfriend to manipulate you into paying her an allowance? It would be an entirely different situation if she were your fiancé but she's only a girlfriend.
You have to respect his wishes. It would be worse to have a kid that y'all both didn't want, than to not have one.
And, if they do something to piss you off you'll feel the desire to “want to” less and less.
What I said was “I am not ok with you adding a bunch of random girls all the time.” I let him know that if he wants to continue doing that, that I won’t be accepting of it.
How is this misogyny? Women are also dismissive of men with many previous sexual partners just like men are dismissive of women with many previous sexual partners.
The average person does not want to date/marry a promiscuous person.
I know many women who have dumped/ wouldn't date men with a wild sexual past(a community dick as they call it). Are they misogynist as well?
He is literally controlling your life. This will only get worse. Look up red flags for abusive relationships. How long have you been together?
You need to see your doctor right now. This could be hallucinations or brain damage or a tumor or something else. It's probably nothing that serious, but it's worth having it checked out
That's understandable reaction but sadly we can't know what we can't know. Based on what OPs said I'd say they should drop the gf and help their sister. With the caveat of being honest with themselves. If the gf was willing to work with them and they just didn't like the options provided that's not toxic that's just not seeing eye to eye.
Thank you very much for the advice.
That being said, even if I can’t be the one to fix her, I still want to be there for her anyway I can, and I feel like if I tell her these jokes hurt, it won’t help
I think your new partner needs to stay out of you and your ex's arrangements. If she doesn't like the way things are, she needs to wait until this issue resolves it's self in the summer. If she can't wait that long, then maybe this isn't the relationship for the two of you.
You have an unusual set up with your ex but it has worked for you two for this long and I think it is unfair of someone else to come and tell you what you should be doing.
Would I advise your GF to get into a financial/ownership with you right now? No, I would not advise her to do that. I would advise her to wait until the house is sold and then you would be free.
You and your ex have an arrangement that no one else should get into the middle of, especially out of the blue for your ex.
we probably wont date until after we graduate: about 2 years from now
That sounds like torture. How can you two pretend to 'reletionship' and keep it up for 2 years without additional complications. That will probably create conflict along the lines.
The whole idea that your roommates are the reason that you're not going after each-other, sounds stupid.
How about this instead… you two date (officially), keep it low key… and you agree right here and now, if it doesn't work out, that you don't make it awkward for your roommates. Everyone wins and everyone is happy.
Not to mention the fact that they're so punctual but don't seem to talk otherwise? If they were going drinking (especially casually, as friends, which obviously they are) surely it wouldn't be 7pm sharp, right?
Yeah not sure why this is controversial, I agree
Yeah, this is extremely manipulative behavior and the biggest of red flags. She lied sand gaslit you, her family, her friends, and ALL THE GUYS SHE WAS CHEATING ON YOU WITH. Breakup, get tested, go on with your life. Better on your own than with a manipulative cheater.
Then there's your answer.
I don’t know how to tell you more clearly that OP’s partner having ASD or not is irrelevant because she’s making him miserable and this isn’t a fixable problem.
Him understanding where ASD is causing deficiencies does not fix those deficiencies or the relationship.
What is the purpose of giving me this link?
He sexually assaulted you. Thus is enough to call the police about. Or at least ghost him run and never be near this guy again. You can guarantee it's happened before and will happen again if not worse.
Wow, people are quick to send you to the therapist. I'm not on board to that. You just came out an abusive relationship, so you crushing on somebody that's the opposite is not weird. Just remind yourself that that's just a rebound behaviour.
Even choosing abortion can make you sad. You are allowed that emotion while making the right decision for you. Think of all scenarios; mother giving baby up to adoption – feels sad but doing the right thing. Leaving abusing relationships- feel sad but knowing it has to happen. Sharing child custody with a good parent – sad and missing your kid but know it’s the right. Point being, a right decision does not equal happiness.
His boss isn't keeping him busy enough.
He gets some credit for being truthful.
Is he out of control with it? Is he deprived of sex at home? Is he comfortable jerking off in front of you?
Don’t discuss anything with him. Be careful!
I see now. Yeah it does feel like manipulation on her end.
She kept saying “I don’t know how to get over it. It isn’t fair to you if I hold this over your head cause you could find someone better who makes you happier”
He sounds like an obsessive nutcase. No decent guy would be stalking or harassing an ex from a few decades ago. I’d personally write him a letter explaining your decision and only send it to him after you’ve left the situation
Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you are your boyfriend’s side piece. He’s already got a girlfriend, fiancée, or wife, so he can’t bring you around to meet his friends and family without blowing up his primary relationship.
Ive been married 17 years and my wife before we started dating was away at college and met a guy. They got engaged. She came home on break and he broke it off…
We havnt every really talked about it much other than i know she was devastated. We met dated, fell in love…
While i don't doubt she is happy with me, i would assume she occasionally thinks of him like once a year or if something reminds her of him. I don't think first love ever completely leaves but i don't think it stops you from loving someone else.
LOL such drama…
Personally not worth it , I’d leave this dude and I’m a dude
Personally not worth it , I’d leave this dude and I’m a dude
I think she lost 7 lbs after she ruined her life
I think she lost 7 lbs after she ruined her life
Never go to sleep on an argument
Yeah, I wouldn't even care about his opinion on the contents of my phone. I would be livid that he had done that, and it would be game over.
He still has feelings for his ex.
Thank you for the extra context.
I agree
Lordt, don't ever let her Minecraft or Animal Cross…those were my husband and my downfall. ?
This is tough because it's uncharted territory for both of you. But, I will say, three weeks into dating is very quick to say I love you, my partner and I didn't say it for three months. It is understandable that he isn't ready to say that yet, it's a big step in a relationship that I was also very nervous to take for the first time. I honestly suggest you guys take a bit of space, try talking to other people, and come back when you feel less out of your element
Everyone is different in how they show their love. Some people can be over the top and really showy and others can be a lot more muted, but still love you to death. It’s all about finding someone you have the right love language with
Yes – he's on something that helps both his depression and OCD.
You don't have to marry him. At 20 you have a shit ton of things you can experience and see. You want to travel and see the world. You won't be able to do thst if you're married, end up having a kid or something. Your whole post is about how you don't want to marry him. Don't then.
If you don't tell her she may see it as you not having a problem with cheating. Better tell her.